Goddammit Bastian, Just Give the Empress a New Name.

Prompt 23 – New Name

Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?

(Author: Becca Wilcott)

I wouldn't. I love my name.

I just wish that people understood me when I said it.

My name makes total sense, once you know that it's a contraction, an abbreviation of my full name. (Clearly, we all know what a contraction is, I can't seem to help but be condescending today.) But when I try to introduce myself at a crowded bar, at a loud show, it's just not worth it. "Marsha? Misha? Chris?" Ugggh. So I start with my given name about 80% of the time, and pray that if we end up being friends, you'll catch on (not hard, since it's how I refer to myself in conversation) that I much prefer the abbreviated version to the full version.

M'ris is something I own. Something I created, something that's me. The version of me that exists in my head. She's cooler, smarter, funnier, more self confident, awesomer in every possible way. She probably has superpowers. She can totally kick your ass, intellectually, at least, and she's not afraid to do it. Introducing myself as such helps me manifest those things, helps me believe that she and I are the same person, that I'm actually as awesome as I'd like to think that I am.

There are absolutely people who never figure that out, who call me by my full name every time we interact. The longer it goes on, the more irritating it gets. Usually, though, it's a pretty good indicator that this person and I probably aren't meant to be very good friends. (In light of recent events, I should really pay more attention to that one in the future. If someone has been hanging out with me 24/7 for several weeks, and still doesn't get it, I should probably just abandon ship - they're never gonna.) I guess I could be up front about it, introduce myself as such 100% of the time - but the other part of it is that my given name is also a shield. It distances me from people I either don't know that well (and therefore don't trust, not with my name and certainly not with me), or people that I can't be close to (usually professional relationships - bosses, teachers, etc.)

It even lends itself to other situations. When I play Rock Paper Scissors, my stage name is Mr. Is. Which has turned out to be awesome, and Mr. Is is a cheerful curmudgeon who can't stop smiling. The highlight of that name was actually my dad: When he came out to a match 2 summers ago, he played under Mr. Isn't. I couldn't be prouder.

Try v. 1.2

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

Roller derby is tangible (tho, bad news, due to inventory delays I don't get my gear til January. Rats.), let's try getting a bit more esoteric, here.

Next year, I want to try failing. Not the self-sabotage sort of failing that I'm so damn good at, but rather, trying things and not liking them. Walking away from situations. Making decisions knowing that whatever I decide, it's not the end of the world.

See, I have this issue with fatalism. In my head, every decision ever made is the final one. There's no going back, no changing my mind. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia.

This results in things like sticking with a job I hate, even though I'm miserable there and no good at it. Holding on to friendships even when they're not healthy for me, or stubbornly refusing to speak to old friends because of past differences, even if enough time has passed that we could, conceivably, be civil to each other. Refusing to stray from my chosen career path because, it's a path, I can't wander off of it.

Doorways don't represent possibilities to me, they lead into rooms with no windows and no way out, and the door that led me there slams shut behind me. Every decision I make, I agonize over, because there's something in me that makes me believe that I'll never have a chance to reverse it.

So, next year, I want to try failing. I want to see what it's like to not hold myself to a life choice, to walk back through an open door and try something different.

I don't particularly know how to manifest this. I just want to be able to do new things (or change old things) without them being a decision that will lock me in for the rest of my life. I want to be free from the weight of the world that has rested on my shoulders for as long as I can remember.

I'm seriously toying with the idea of a vacation semester. I've never taken time off from school (outside of breaks and graduation, anyway), I've never transferred programs. Education has always been a strictly linear engagement, and not finishing the things you start with it - I've never perceived that as an option. It's never been presented to me as one. I spent 13 years at a private school that I hated, did my undergrad in 4 years straight. (2 of those years, I hated my school and desperately wanted to leave. Did I? No. Did it work out for the best? Yes. I ended up loving it. In retrospect, I even liked my private school, and would like to send my future children somewhere similar, though not for 13 years.)

I know what the arguments against such a thing are. Just get it done. Muscle through it, crank it out, put it behind me, move on. I've been struggling so much the past few semesters, though, that I can't see how that's a good idea. I think I need to take some time off (even though the possibility of doing "nothing" terrifies me) so that I can regroup, rethink, reassess. Fail a little bit now, so I can do something spectacular later.

I don't like the feeling of not finishing something - yet when I self-sabotage, that's exactly what happens. What if, instead of backing myself into a corner, and consequently feeling awful about my inability to follow through with things, I opt-out? Take the time to finish things at my own pace, try new things, do something different?

I don't know. That route, it's new. It's foreign. It's scary. But I'm thinking, the old routes haven't been working out so well. So maybe it's time to try something different.

Do or Do Not, There is No Try

Prompt #18 – Try
What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I'm going to try not to Bucket List.

This year, last year, and basically every year since I've been out of college, I've been super in to the idea of Roller Derby. My record label even sponsored one of the Philly teams, the Heavy Metal Hookers - and yet, somehow, I'd never gone to a derby match before this year.

(In my defense, they just never synched up with my schedule. Derby tends to be on Saturday nights, which makes it kind of hard to commit to, especially when there are concerts that need to be attended. (Back then, they were "work functions".))

Anyway, this past October, I finally went to my first bout, with the Denver Roller Dolls.

Unsurprisingly, it was love at first jam.

Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be heading down to Denver to buy skates and pads. I'll practice while I'm home (we've got a big old basement that's gonna be great to skate around), and DRD tryouts are the weekend after I get back to Colorado. With any luck, I won't have to try out TOO many times til I make the cut - and until then, I can still attend drop-in derby.

I'm totally stoked about it. I'm looking forward to exercising more, challenging myself, and hanging out with what appears to be a group of dynamic, interesting women. I also took mom and dad to their first bout while they were here in November - hopefully, since it is actually a sport, I'll be able to get my dad and my little brother interested in it, which would give us something to talk about. (My brother LOVES sports - I really hope he gels to derby the way I have.)

You Can't Touch That

Something I haven't talked about much here is my family. I'm going to leave a big post about that for another day, the short version is that my dad and I are really close - like, best friend close.

Today I received a postcard from him, like I have hundreds of times in the past, that I wanted to share with you. It's a thank you note from when him + mom came to visit over Thanksgiving.

"Dear Marissa,
Thank you. We had a wonderful time visiting with you in Boulder.
I touched a dinosaur for the very first time. Next, I'd like to go to a real art museum where I can get to actually touch the art.
Love, Dad"


This is what I'm going home to in 2 days. I couldn't be more excited.

Friends

Prompt #16 – Friendship How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)

If you give me half a chance, I will wax on and on about how amazing my friends are. I never doubt it to be true, but sometimes, even I'm surprised at how fantastic they really are.

Y'see, I'm a skeptic. I've been burned enough times in the past that I don't really believe that anyone is truly what they appear to be. Sometimes it's because they're lying to themselves, sometimes it's because they choose not to see the truth about other people. Sometimes it's other things.

It makes me hesitate to reach out, and loath to trust anyone on more than a surface level. What if they see what's on the inside, and they don't like it? Worse, what if they twist and turn those inny bits around, and use them against me? It's happened before, which means that a precedent has been set for it to happen again.

Getting over that mental hump is always the hardest for me.

And it shouldn't be. My success rate on these things far outweighs my failures - it's just that the catastrophes weigh heavier on my mind than any of good things ever do.

That was a lot of preamble to say that, for the most part, my friends this year have surprised me in spades. The girls out here in Boulder, particularly, have been shoulders to cry on, arms to hug, even couches to sleep on when all the things inside me were just to raw to spend the night alone. (And then we got a sweet 7 hour musical performance from their neighbors. AWESOME.)

They have seen me at my lowest, and picked me back up, and called me and supported me and done all the things that friends are supposed to do. Lovingly. Selflessly. Patiently.

They're making me see, making me believe, slowly, that I'm capable of and worthy of love and support and affection, even when I'm stuck so far up in my head that I can't even fathom a way back to reality.

And with their help, I'm working on being better. If they can see it, if they can see my potential and my worth, then I have to believe that it's real, that it's really there. I want to believe in those things, so badly, but it's a forest for the trees sort've thing. But with their help, I'm getting there.

(Of course, this isn't to say that any of my other friends weren't equally spectacular this year. Sitting in front of this screen and commending everyone I hold dear to me would take far longer both to write and to read than anyone has any patience for.)

Maybe it's not a seismic life shift, or a radical realization. But knowing that I'm loved, enough to love myself? For me, I can't think of anything bigger.

You've Only Got 5 Minutes to Save the World

Prompt 15 – 5 Minutes Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)

Birthday bowling
Birthday Scavenger hunt
Peter and Matt H. getting stuck in the spaceship
Birthday scavhunt aftermath at Matt H.'s place (Drink more! I drank all the tequila, I CAN'T drink more! How are you not drunk!)
Ostrich/sea lion impressions w/ Pete.
Frozen Dead Guy Days
Study parties at Joanna's place in Boulder
Meeting Marcel
Meeting Joanna's CostCo problem
Metal shows with Dave, picking back up right where we left off
Fighting, poorly, with Austin
HoverRound ads with Dad
Wegman's with BJ
RPS season
RPS Championships
DAVID BOWIE'S FREEBIRD
B-Pac's house tournament, synching up commentary by accident
Oscar Robot's first encounter with cake
Waterworld w/ Joanna, Peter, Quinn, Matt E.
Matt E. charades dancing @ Batacombs, laughing so hard I hurt.
Korea - lotus pools, karaoke with my cousins, mahkoli, subways, stealing small asian children, introducing mom to body scrubs
Chasing down the mugger after Dave's show w/ Chris. Arby's afterwards.
Hiking Sanitas at night with Matt
Rockies game w/ Matt
Anxiety attacks with Matt, all the good that really did actually come out of them.
Fourth of July, NYC.
Freaking out in the middle of the pizza place, surrounded by friends
Austin B breaking glasses for his going away party
Nights with Rob + Pete + Brice @ Batacombs/Downer

And Atlas.
Chris D. making penguin lattes.
Hiding in the kitchen because I was laughing so hard.
Making an afterhours lounge on the street after their 1st birthday party
Feeling like I had a home.

I know I'm missing things.

Community

Prompt #7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I was going to start this with a sob story. Back in 2008, moved across the country, no friends, waaaaahhhhh.

I mean, yes, that's what what happened, then, but that was 2 years ago, and that's not where I am now.

It's also time for me to own up to a salacious yet true part of my Boulder history: The only, only reason I have friends in this town is because of the internet. Specifically, OKCupid.

:shameface, dies, etc:

Against all the odds of the internet, I met someone on OKC who turned out to be one of my best friends here in town. Then I co-opted all of his friends. And then some of their friends, just to be safe.

(Speaking of the internet, I sort've totally love that I know that my very first friend from the internet is following this blog. Hi, Andy!)

I didn't really build a community, so much as I crash landed on the shores of a pre-existing one, and pillaged it for all it was worth.

This year was about testing the boundaries of that community - discovering whether or not it was a safe space for all the scary things that live up inside my head, that I'm embarrassed to show to the world. And, y'know what? It was ok. My friends here have been so good to me, so supportive of everything I've been going through (and that I've been putting myself through) that I almost can't believe it. I'm so grateful for them, for loving me the way I am, insecurities and proclivities and all.

Though it's currently in flux, I also may have stumbled on to a community in the most unlikely of places - Twitter. Next year, I'd like to work on turning the Boulder Twitterati into real people, and to fold at least a few of them into the community I've already built.

This post is also slightly bittersweet. In the last few months, I thought I'd become a part of a community at one of the local establishments here in town, but recent events have caused a bit of shakeup there. I don't know if I'm welcome there anymore, or how to reshape the relationships with the people there. I miss what we had, but I don't know how to move forward.

Three distinct groups that I am so excited about having in my life (well, 2.5 - let's face it, Boulder Twitterati overlaps with everthing), and I'm still not satisfied. I still want more. It's probably the nerdy girl from middle school in me who still just wants to be liked, but I'm still looking to branch out, to meet more people.

I want to get involved with the kids in this town - I'd love to work with one of the local synagogues on starting/running a youth group (NFTY still burns bright in me, no matter how many old boxes of photographs I unearth), or work with an after school program or something. I've thought about getting trained for the suicide prevention helpline, but those wounds might still be too raw to address through action.

I'd love to start putting on events again - art shows, basement shows, whatever - or at least get more involved in the community of people who are doing these things. I think about what is missing from my life out here, and y'know what? It's West Philly. It's crust punks (not transients, thanks) and sweaty basement shows and running in to people that I never see during the day, only with a brown bag of Yuengling in a venue that won't exist in a week. (I also miss Yuengling.) I left that scene just as I was starting to feel like a part of it, and I miss it.

And, as always, I want to keep up my bonds with my old communities. I always swear I'll do better, but somehow it always falls to the wayside. This is just a reminder to keep trying.