You've Got a Troll Face, or, How NOT to Take Rejection on OKCupid

I wish I had better news to report from the internet-dating-o'sphere, but there's almost never anything to

write home about, unless it's comically bad.

Like this dude.

He sent me a message at 6am, calling me "deliciously evil" and something about wanting to "steal (me) to Texas and keep (me) forever." (Dude is a law enforcement officer, so that's double-cool.) I glanced at his profile, figured we wouldn't be a good match anyway, and simply deleted his message.

8 hours later, this happened:

This happens in internet dating ALL THE TIME. Dude sends gal message that isn't particularly cogent to begin with, then, almost immediately (whether or not they get a response), gets aggressive. When he's shot down or questioned, he gets even MORE aggressive.

Guys, this isn't going to work. I mean, ok, maybe it is, and you can keep dating submissive/passive aggressive ladies who are in to that sort of thing. But if you're putting out crazy, you're likely pulling in crazy, too. And then you don't really have a leg to stand on when you whine about how all the ladies you meet are kind've apeshit.

Plus, it's just plain disrespectful. If someone doesn't understand you, or where you're coming from, that's no reason to resort to namecalling and insults. It's not attractive when you're 12, it's even less attractive when you're 30-something.

And let's talk about creepy for a hot minute, ok? If you went up to someone in real life, having never met them before, and told them that you'd like to "steal them away and keep them forever," - how do you think that would come off? I mean, assuming you're not at the BDSM club or something. (Not that any/everyone into BDSM is in to those sorts of lines, either - the dynamic of "capturing" clearly requires boundaries that only exist AFTER an initial meeting.) Go up to someone on the street and say that, and let me know how that goes.

Like my friend Melzah pointed out, "people are not possessions!" And referring to them as such ("keeping," like I'm a sticker book or something) reduces individuals to objects. When you say "I want to keep you," you're not saying "I like you," "I think you're awesome," or even "I want to be with you forever." You're saying "You are my desire, I want to maintain mastery over you, and I don't really care what your say in the matter is." And, hey, if that's the boundaries you've set up with your SO, that's supercool. But if those boundaries AREN'T in place? Train to Creepsville.

Being wary of such an approach doesn't make someone paranoid, let alone "less," for being wary. It means that we exist in a reality that's real, where people say terrible things without provocation, and where we expect to have our boundaries crossed, with or without permission. And but there's no reason we should willingly LET those boundaries be crossed, not even in jest.

Calling someone out on such things speak only to your OWN perceptions of power and equality - or, really, the lack thereof.

Of course, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, here. Guys who respond like this generally aren't interested in being told that they're wrong, or that their behavior could stand to be amended (especially not in the interested of being nice to anyone, let alone respecting the people of their preferred gender identity.)

As for the rest of the interaction - I really liked the part where because I'm suddenly a troll face (his first message praised my looks), I'm supposed to have lower standards or be more understanding of people treating me like shit - it went about the way you'd think it would:

I blocked him after this, though not before he managed to get in one last jab, suggesting that the body shot I have up on the site - a beach shot, no less (and I'm not even going to humblebrag here - that shot has ZERO things to be ashamed of in it) - should be removed.

Guys, here's one last thing: if you're going to slam a girl on her figure, at least have the common sense, if not decency, to not do it do someone who's in better shape than you are.

On the First Night of Chanukah... Oh. Zip.

Dear Boulder, I understood, upon moving here 3 years ago, that this would not be the land of the chosen people, would not be the land of milk and honey. Most days, I can even accept that it is, in fact, the land of marijuana and kombucha.

But, Boulder, on tonite, this first night of Chanukah, I have a hard time accepting that you actually give a damn about anyone besides your pagan-christian, consumer catholic population. Diversity, my ass.

Quite simply, it should not, in a town of 100k people, of 7 different congregations, covering everything from the Chabad and orthodox to recontrsuctionist singalongs, one of the Top 10 Jewish Neighborhoods in North America (per Jewish Living Magazine), even the home of a sold out Ignite! Chanukah event (seriously, people, it's not enough that we're on Ignite 13? We're like the Law & Order of Ignite presentations.), take me 2 hours and 6 different stores to STILL NOT FIND hanukkah candles. On the first night of Chanukah.

I understand, dear Boulder, that my people are in the minority here. I understand further, that in the grand scheme of things, no matter what the Corporate Holiday Machine would like us to believe, that Chanukah is not only a mere speck on the holiday radar, but is also, technically, about as important as Arbor Day.

So let me break down what I've learned from two hours of fruitless searching in this fair town: Dollar Tree, Walgreens, and Savers disbelieve in Chanukah in total. No menorahs, no candles, not even a doofy smiling dreidel decoration to be seen.

Safeway USED to carry candles, but are currently all sold out - of the ones that fit, anyway, though they do have a selection that manager said her other customers rejected, because they were "too large".

Which brings me to: Rite Aid, which ONLY carries the $10 box of "designer" candles - and couldn't seem to sell a single one of them.

Rounding out my scavenger hunt, we have: Target, who in addition to a GIANT SEASONAL CHRISTMAS section, also graciously featured two poorly organized back-row ends of Chanukah gear, hidden away in the greeting card section, where they thoughtfully sold chintzy Chanukah decorations (hannukah tinsel! banners! smiling novelty dreidels!), 3 different types of menorahs, and - my favourite part - no Chanukah candles whatsoever.

McGuckins, believe it or not, were the clear winners on my search. They featured a small yet comprehensive selection of menorahs, dreidels, Chanukah schwag, and candles. To their detriment, while they had several different types and colors of designer candles in stock, they were also sold out of the standard blue box of Chanukah candles.

Let me explain something to you, purchasing managers. For reasons inexplicable even to us Jews, "designer" Chanukah candles exist. They come in pretty colors, and lavish boxes, and make excellent gifts. However, they will never be used. Because for some reason that NO ONE has figured out, every single designer Chanukah candle produced has a base that is larger than the candle holders that exists on most menorahs. Meaning that, while pretty to look at, they are basically completely unusable to us. And so, while designer candles may surely come at both a larger markup and profit for you, dear retail owner, investing in a large array of them (such as McGuckins) has done is ultimately pointless - because no one buys them. we are primarily, almost exclusively on the lookout for the cheapass blue box of "Chanuka Candles", the one the is covered in Hebrew, features the world's most out of focus gold menorah, and 44 basic swirly candles in white, red, orange-yellow, and blue. It should cost us no more than $2, and that's all we need.

It's not like there are Chanukah "trends" to keep an eye out for, no inflatible lawn decorations or neon pink tinsel christmas trees that may fester in your warehouse and never be salable ever again. Nosir, all we truly need is a sturdy menorah (which, let's face it, if it's sturdy enough, will last you a few generations) and a $2 box of candles. It's so easy. You can even err on the side of caution, overpurchase a few items, and then just put them out the next year. They don't go bad, they don't go out of style. They'll take up FAR less room in your storage area than the technicolor plethora of Snuggies you all seem to have in stock 365 days/year.

So, slichah, Adonai. This year, you're getting aluminum foil and tea lights, just like back at summer camp. Or if I can figure out a way to get this Snuggie to burn for 8 days and 8 nights, you can have that.

All Apologies,
M'ris