Online Dating & Hate Speech

I don't write a lot about my online dating experiences. Sure, I have the drinking game, but for the most part, I keep things pretty much on the DL. Tonite, however, I ran across something I'd never experienced before, in all my years (let's not count how many) of online dating: hate speech.

I neglected to take screenshots of this convo, which I now seriously regret. But it went pretty much exactly like this:

Dude: Too lazy to start a conversation with anything more than a Hey.
Me: Too lazy to end a conversation with anything more than a no thanks.
Dude: thanks, your Butt Ugly and I just wanted to copy/paste, if I had seen your jewish I would not have wasted a single letter!

So, yeah, that happened. I'm pretty stunned. Lots of people dislike me for lots of reasons, and I've been told off plenty of times, especially on the internet. This was the first time someone has gone directly for the Judaism jugular - and, yeah, it stings. Way more than I thought it would.

I don't know how much there is to delve in to here. I'm proud of being Jewish, and some yutz on the intertubes isn't going to rob me of that with one flippant email. And I understand that this dude is totally childish (butt ugly? That's the best you can do? Also, my picture on there is fucking GORGEOUS, even if you're not attracted to me. Also, my butt is aces.), but I wasn't aware that antisemitism was still casually running around, lurking in the hearts of bruised young men.

There's nothing I can do about this. (Though I blocked the user and reported him to the site for violating their TOS.) It's just unsettling, and, luckily, a little bit funny.

Birthday Freebies in Boulder, CO

I've been accumulating this list for a few years, but never published it. Not sure why.

Anyway, here's some free stuff you can get in Boulder on your birthday. Most of it requires some planning in advance. I won't be in Boulder for my birthday this year (I'll be here in Philly, at the dentist's. Really. Wooooooooo.) So hopefully this list will be of more use to you.

Aveda - Coupon for free birthday gift (usually a fullsize product) redeemable at Aveda salons. Sign up online.
BJ's Brewhouse - Free Pizookie dessert. Email signup.
Cork - Free entree. Join their Connoisseur Dining Club.
Dairy Queen - Join their Blizzard fan Club, receive a coupon for a free birthday Blizzard
Daphne's Greek Cafe - Free entree. Email signup.
Denny's - Free Grand Slam, just show up with your driver's license.
Firehouse Subs - show your ID, get a free sub.
Glacier Ice Cream - Free ice cream cone OR small gelato on your birthday. Join their Birthday Club online. (7 days in advance)
Noodles & Co - Sign up for their email newsletter to receive a coupon for a free birthday meal. (60 days prior)
Old Chicago's - Active members (have made use of membership in the past 6 months) of their World Beer Tour program receive a $15 birthday credit for food. Must sign up for WBT in person.
Red Robin - Join their e-club, get a free birthday burger.
The Sink - Free appetizer or cookie on your birthday. Sign up for their S Card program.
Spicy Pickle - Sign up for the email list, get a coupon for a free birthday sandwich. (You might have to buy a drink.)
Starbucks - Register any giftcard you have for them online, a free birthday drink should come up when you check your rewards.
Ted's Montana Grill - Free dessert. Email signup.
Tee and Cakes - Join their Birthday Club. $5 gift certificate in the mail. Must sign up prior to birthday month.
Walnut Brewery - Members of their Mug Club (must sign up in person at Walnut Brewery) get a "special birthday gift every year." (Walnut Brewery is part of Rock Bottom

Rumored:
The Bus Stop - Free lap dances.
Snooze - Free birthday pancakes


If you're willing to trek to Denver:
The Broker - Buy one entree, get one free. Plan it in advance w/ them, and bring a friend.
Denver Zoo: Free admission on your birthday. Register online in advance.
The Fresh Fish Company - Not free, but members of their birthday club receive a percentage discount equal to their age. Sign up online.
LaMar's - free donut & coffee when you show up in person & join their LaMar's for life program. Register your card online & they'll load a free birthday donut on it.

Around Colorado:
Atwater on Gore Creek, Vail, CO - free entree with reservation and ID. (This seems insane to me, but it's right there on the website.)

That's all I've dug up. If there's a local deal I've missed, let me know!

I can't draw. EvaDestructionTM can, thank god.

Victory & Associates: Tour Life: Beginnings Are Forever

October 5, 2012



Tour!

And so here I am, back on the road with Conan Neutron: Word Yeller.

Victory and Associates rolled into  Denver from SLC on Tuesday night, performing to a crowd of 10. Neutron's new ("new") band is Victory and Associates, a quartet of music nerds with an arena-ish feel, though not an arena sound. No power ballads here, just good ole smart people in a rock band melting your face off.

Denver was a lowkey affair, a Tuesday night at Lost Lake Lounge. Denver locals Hooper opened (crowd size: 14!)
 
So, tour is good, Denver was boring, post-show tacos were uneventful, V&A crashing at my place was uneventful.
 
We rolled out on time the next morning, grabbing bagels and coffee, then hit the road. Before we knew it, we were boned. No one had been paying attention to how we left Colorado - bleah bleah bleah to 80! 80 to Des Moines! And so, it was about 2 hours out on 70 before we realized that we were on the wrong highway system. We should've gotten on 76 straight out of town, but, well, too late now. Instead, we took the scenic route north though Hoxie, Kansas (population: Village of the Children of the Damned. No one about anywhere save for 10 kids along the main drag that stared as us incredulously as we lumbered by, cuising along at the town's generous 20mph speed limit.), into Nebraska, and straight on to Des Moines. The boys rushed in, set up, and banged out another furious 9 song set to a crowd of literally 10s.
 
Ugh. Another tour entry that sounds like crap before I've even written it. Last time I did this, out with Replicator, the journals turned into 5000 word epic tomes. Thorough, but heady and rambly. In trying to avoid that this time around, I've landed at....boring. Ugh.

It's different, this time out. Last time I was with Replicator, tour was a series of unending, unyielding stories, moments that needed to be captured and preserved in perpetuity. This time, it's more relaxed. Fewer momentous events, more prolonged interactions. I could recount them, but they'd be meaningless. They're quips and banter, stories that build upon themselves to form a mythology.
 
Time loses meaning on tour. Hours bleed into each other, lasting forever, passing fleetingly. It's hard to describe this, and I don't mean it in some winsome, every moment is precious sort of way. I've been out with V&A for 3 nights, and already the boys can't remember what life on the road looked like without me. Events that have happened, stories are told, they assume that I was just there for. They think back to last week, and it seems a lifetime ago. Brooklyn, the end of their line, is 5 days from now. It seems so far in the future that it's nearly incomprehensible. The fact that I'll have been replaced in the van by their other guitarist, Shane, is the furthest thing from anyone's mind.
 
How could there be any more than right now, than the road ahead of us and the upcoming show tonite? Do this thing. Then do the next thing. It sounds plodding, but it's the mindset necessary to get through it. 800 miles on the road. Set up. Rock out. Break down. Sleep. Coffee. 800 miles on the road. Repeat. Staying in the now isn't just function, it's survival. (And by now, I mean a James Brown parody introduction to their radio slot this afternoon. Internationally known as the sweatiest band in show business, dozen selling Latest Flame recording artists, Victory and Associates!)
 
The pace is necessary, exhilarating, exhausting. It's untenable, to be sure, but that doesn't matter, in the now. There's a certain freedom in it. Not thinking about home, about your "real life," you're able to accomplish and experience things that are beyond the ordinary. Every night, with new crowds, new strangers, new friends that you'll maybe never see again, is no holds barred. Every night gets all that you have to give. You only have one chance to impress Hoxie, Kansas, so you'd better make it good. In the night, with the noise and the crowd, there is, for 9 whole songs, only possibility, only yes.

Online Dating: The Drinking Game

A few years ago, in the midst of a dateless streak that had lapped sad and looped itself around to sadly funny, my best friend and I had a conversation comparing our experiences with online dating. This is the result of that conversation. You built this, humanity. You built this.

Disclaimer: Works best with OkCupid, use with Plenty Of Fish may cause immediate alcohol poisoning. I am not responsible for poor decisions made as a result of playing. If there's anything you feel like we've left out, comments are open & I'm ready to edit.

The rules: Go to an online dating site. Start looking at profiles. Try not to retch. Begin drinking as instructed below.

Correspondence:
Take a drink:
First correspondence is a single word.

Email asks question that is already obviously answered in your profile.

Email obviously ignores things you mentioned in your profile.
Message is from a user gratuitously outside your age/location preferences.

Email uses the phrase "like your pic," "you're hot," or similar.

- If that's all the email says, 2 drinks.
- If it is blatantly fetishizing your appearance, 2 drinks.
- If the email is intended for an adult audience, 3 drinks

Take 2 drinks:

User claims to speak non-native languages, then doesn't understand simple greetings in them.

Use of the phrase (in email or in profile) "now you know everything you need, hit me up.”

User emails you more than twice, despite a voiced disinterest OR complete lack of response on your part.
- Every email received (unprompted) after the 2nd, take a drink
User responds to rejection with threats/insults, chug, block, report.

Language Comprehension:
Take a drink if the profile features:

Intentional spelling errors (Ex: Ur, whut, wut, gurl, etc.)
Earnest use of chatspeak (Ex: LOL, ROFL, n00b, t3h, etc)
User's misuse of grammar is so consistent as to be intentional. (Ex: An entire profile without apostrophes.)

Profile showcases overall willful ignorance re: grammar, sentence structure.

- if user claims to be in school, drink twice.

Profile Pictures:

Take a drink:

Group picture that doesn't specify which one is the user.

User is pictured with their car/motorcycle.

Picture of a place user has been with no people in it.

Picture of user’s animals instead of user.

Picture of user drinking and looking "cool” or “partying.”

Picture is a "MySpace" shot or includes "kissyface"/"duckface."

Take 2 drinks:

Picture includes a datestamp

- If datestamp is 5 years ago or more, take a shot.

Picture of user in Halloween costume

- If costume is sexy/racist, take a shot.
- If costume is sexy AND racist, chug, post to reddit.

Take 1 shot:

Picture fails to include entire face.

Picture taken in a mirror.

User refuses to post a picture because they don't want anyone they know to know that they're online dating or any other clearly cop-out/restraining order-esque reason.

Cheesecake picture of user in their military uniform, surrounded by guns.

Decapitated picture of abs.

- If an arm is holding the shirt up instead of just being shirtless, 2 shots.

- If the user is clearly on steroids, and/or an unnatural shade of orange, 2 shots, swear to wear sunscreen every day for the rest of your life.

BONUS ROUND:
For any of the above while wearing a fedora, double the drinking.

Profile Information:

Take a drink:

Profile describes user as "just a normal guy/girl.”
Profile describes user as "laid-back."

Use of the phrase "I like all kinds of music, except for rap/country/classical” or similar.

Profile uses quotes a well known comedy routine/movie/book etc instead of actually writing about themselves/for themselves.

- If the quote is unattributed, drink twice.

Profile states "I'm new to this, lol, I don't know what to say" or similar.

- Types gibberish to get site to accept profile/meet length requirements, drink twice

- “About me” section is 5 sentences or less, drink twice, cry.

Lists something as a "guilty pleasure, LOL!!!!!”

Uses more than 2 exclamation points in succession.

Loves to read, but doesn't really have time to.

Use of the phrase "I am awesome.”
User confuses "talents" with "basic human functions." (Ex: I am really good at: sleeping, laughing, eating.)
User has confused "Dom" with "just an asshole." 
Profile includes sexual innuendo.
- Actually, it's not innuendo at all. - 2 drinks.
- Also, it's their profile name. Chug.

Take 2 drinks:

Description of self includes "I like to hang out (with friends) and/or watch movies and/or have a good time.”

They’re 30-something and their only career goals/aspirations involve "massage therapist."

- There is a standing offer to let them practice their technique on you.  Take a shot.

Doesn't like to read/doesn't really like books.

Claims to have no baggage.

Just looking for a woman to spoil/treat like a queen (conversely, just looking for a guy who will treat them right.)
Longform rant about how people of their preferred gender identity are all liars/cheaters

Tries to use their involvement in reality television (or people they know who are in reality television) as selling points.

Take a shot:
If religious beliefs mentioned in profile are directly contradictory to activities mentioned/shown in profile.

Profile mentions that they have kids, but states that "they never see them/other parent is out of the picture" as a selling point/pro.

- If under 24, 1 drink for every kid they have.

Chug:

Profile states that user has a really great sense of humor/is really funny, but fails to express any grasp whatsoever of such a concept. (Alternative: User claims to be sarcastic, warns away other users who are "easily offended.")

Criteria:

Take a drink:

Looking for someone "who has a lot in common with me.”

Profile only states what they're looking for and nothing about themselves.

User is over 30, "looking for" is 18-21.

Take 2 drinks:

They love to party, but are looking for a "good (religion) girl/guy.”

Has "play/anything I can get" checked while citing a lengthy list of wholesome criteria a potential mate needs to meet.

User is VERY SPECIFICALLY not looking for “cheaters/whores/drama bombs!”

User is "deeply religious" but are looking for mates of any religion.User has different criteria for their own personal health/appearance versus their mate's. (Ex: I hate exercise, you must be thin.)

Take 1 shot:

User is "in a relationship" looking for "single" mates (only applicable if it's not primarily that kind of website.)

Explicitly mentions furries.  (Pro or con, doesn't matter.) (Also, see above.)

Future:
You've exchanged a few messages, you think they're witty and charming and attractive, you'd like to take this offline... then they delete their profile without saying a word.
Drink the whole damn bottle. GOTO Correspondence.

World Suicide Prevention Day: How To Care for Your Stiricide

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day (Suicide Awareness Day, if you're the internet), and as all my social media feeds flood with helpful-but-frustratingly-generic tips for how you can help someone who is depressed, I can't help but think: who is this actually helping? And how is this helping them?

Because the thing is, unless you're up close and personal with someone, it can be pretty hard to tell the difference between "kinda sad" and "sitting in a bathtub wondering what else you can use that razor blade for." It can be hard to know when you need to reach out - and even harder to know what form that reaching should take.

For me, if I'm functioning through my depression, no one else will notice it. Because for as much as I hurt, I don't want to be a burden on anyone else in my life.

The LAST thing I ever want when I'm at the bottom of my own personal pit, is for anyone to tell me "It'll be ok." "You're strong, you'll get through this." Or my favourite, eternally, from my mother, "Did you take your meds today?" I have been through this before. I don't need you to offer me platitudes or patronize me. I don't need suggestions based in cool rationality, or reassurances that are foreign to the point of impossible. (I live with depression. It will never be "ok." It will, sometimes, be somewhere between slightly and significantly less shitty. But it will never be "ok.")

When I'm sinking to the bottom, the last thing I want is platitudes, or unattainable hope, or obvious yet impossible advice. All I want is a single thing to momentarily distract me from the bottomless abyss that I'm still trying to find the end of. Not a life changing epiphany or a new raison d'être. Not a phone number to call that will require an enormous amount of emotional energy that I do not currently possess. All I want is a fucking lifeline*. A tiny thing that I can momentarily glom on to - that will, with any luck, lead to another tiny thing, and then another tiny thing. (Eventually, all these very tiny things will gradually lead me out of the waters.) 

Do you want to actually help your maybe possibly too depressed to function friend? Take a deep, scary look at who your friend is and how they function on the regular. Prepare yourself for possible and likely inevitable rejection. Don't get offended when that happens. Try not to offer them help in a form that they wouldn't appreciate when they're at "normal" - they'll appreciate it even less when they're in the hole.

But if you want specifics, I'm not sure if I can give them to you. Every person is different, and everyone has their own lifelines. If that friend is me, though, here's a short list of what you can do:

- Send me pictures of otters.

Ohhai there.

In fact, you should do this whether or not you think I'm in the hole. Spontaneous otters are code for "I'm thinking about you. I like you. I hope you're well."

But seriously, "Otter Day" is my public access code for "things are no good, ship has been abandoned." It is both a cue to send me a lifeline (pictures of otters are just one), as well as a heads up that things are, well, not ok. Saying "I am not ok, I need help" - literally, in those words (which seem to be the only words that people think have any validity when talking about these things) - never stops being terrifying and next to impossible. So I have code words.

Otter Day.

That's what that means.

- Invite me out to take a walk.

Somewhere safe, nearby, and normal. Somewhere inside my comfort zone.

Not a hike, not to go dancing, not to have coffee. I can't handle extended human interaction, I'm ashamed to show my face in public. I can't handle a challenge. But I can put on some pants and walk around the block with someone I trust. Though the pants part may take some cajoling.

- Show up, uninvited, bearing food that I will eat.

I may be able to shove a Wheat Thin in my mouth,
but I will not be able to make myself an actual meal.

When I'm in my hole, I lose my appetite. I'm too tired too cook, then I'm too sad to cook, then I'm too disappointed in myself to even try. If you haven't seen me in a few days and suspect that I may be sinking, feed me. Probably protein.

But what if you have a friend that isn't me? The only thing I can tell you is, be their friend. Don't assume that the things that work for you to get out a minor funk (or for me to get out of a major one) will necessarily work for them.

Don't treat them like they're an idiot, or like you know how to fix this better than they do. (I can't tell you how many times I've had people suggest that I exercise/take a bath/watch a fun movie/get laid. Just because something is the right answer for you doesn't make it a universal truth. Also, if it's that obvious, your depressed friend has probably already thought of it. 'Cause they're smart, right? Isn't that why you're friends?) Think about who they are, and how they are, and do what you can do to be good to them, in a way that they would appreciate.

Keep trying. Be the best lifeline you can be.

*Of course, if this is the first time, or if it just feels like the first time, they've been down this road, be supportive. Let them know that there are options for them. And help them find out what those options are. Odds are, they don't know what their health plan will cover, or who to call to find out, or even how to set up an appointment with a therapist. If depression comes with a side of anxiety and phone-phobia the way it does for me, they may not even be able to make those calls. If you want to come to the table with advice or options, makes sure you know as much as possible, and have taken as much of the legwork out of things as you can. YMMV, of course, but information and preparedness is always my favourite.

5 Good Things (That Mask the Smell of Rotting Fish): Keeping Perspective While Drowning in Depression

Being depressed sucks. It's no fun to write about, and it's even less fun to live.

I've spent the last week viewing the world from, as my dad calls it, "under the waves." Everything is kind've grey and murky down here, and smells a little bit like rotted fish.

The tint and the smell (and the general feeling that everything I have, ever, or will do is a colossal disappointment, both to myself and the world) makes it hard to see the bright spots.

But there are bright spots.

So, taking a page from Gala Darling and her treatise on Radical Self Love, I'm going to try to keep perspective, and to make a list of 5 good things that happen to me on these days.

Here's yesterday's list:
1. Got stuck at a train crossing.
2. Talked to an old friend from the record company.
3. Dangled my feet in a pool.
4. Went out for frozen yogurt with friends.
5. Helped welcome a friend's new nephew to the world with inappropriate Justin Bieber pictures.
BONUS GOOD THING:
Had a formal reading of The Hunger Games Cookbook in the aisle of the supermarket. Featured such instructions as "Take 1 tree rat. Divide into pieces."

I'm not sure if these things make up for the rest of my miserable, rotting-fishy day, but it's probably good for me to try and keep perspective. Not all my days are spent under the waves. Eventually, I'll break the surf. I always do.

Thanks, Hallmark Cards, Inc.

Back to Basics

It's August, which, if you're me, really only means one thing - roller derby, thank sweet merciful Xenu, is back in season.

The Rebels have been back on skates now for about 4 weeks, easing our (wonderful, splendid, huge) class of fresh meat into the world of derby.

Getting back on skates is a bit odd for me, this season - in a good way. Since May, I've been taking classes/working out at The Bar Method, a workout that "integrates the fat burning format of interval training, the muscle shaping technique of isometrics, the elongating principles of dance conditioning, and the science of physical therapy to create a revolutionary new workout that quickly and safely reshapes your entire body."

I don't know about "reshaping my body," (if anything, my jeans fit tighter now than they used to - maybe my muscles are bulky? Idk.), but I'm definitely noticing a difference in my skating.

When the winter season ended back in May, I was skating like I always had - competently, but getting super winded after any form of sprinting, and generally feeling like the time I spent off skates (see: being a schlub) was just neutralizing any effort I was putting in to actually, y'know, skating.

Then Bar Method offered a free intro class, and I figured, what the hell. I'd heard about it from friends, and thought it sounding like a relatively sane (don't get me started on the cult of crossfit), low impact way to stay in shape/get in better shape for derby.

And, y'know, I think it's working. Bar Method spends a lot of time working on building core muscle groups, especially, in my case, in my wiggly jiggly thighs and calves. So when I got back on skates in July, and suffered through our first endurance practice - well, yeah, I got winded, just like everyone else. But it took me a few laps longer than usual to hit that fatigue point.

There are other differences, too. Instead of lolling around when we're doing a Four Corners drill or some such, I'm making an active effort to keep my body engaged. Leg lifts, planks, crunches, whatever, I'm now the asshole in the corner that you all hate, doing extra work.

I'm getting lower, and I can stay low for that much longer, thanks to all the thigh-stretchy things we've been doing in Bar. And because Bar Method really focuses on posture & balance, getting low looks less like me hunching over like a troll - and skating looks less like me tottering around like a Weeble-Wobble.

Four weeks in to this season, and I'm really liking what Bar is doing for me. I'm also really liking that I've proactively stepped up my game, all by myself. (I'm terrible at self motivation, going to the gym, etc etc etc. That's all probably for another post. Point is, this thing I'm doing is huge for me.) I wish I could be skating more, but that's just not in the cards right now. For now, I'm pretty pleased with where things are.