Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Online Dating: The Drinking Game

A few years ago, in the midst of a dateless streak that had lapped sad and looped itself around to sadly funny, my best friend and I had a conversation comparing our experiences with online dating. This is the result of that conversation. You built this, humanity. You built this.

Disclaimer: Works best with OkCupid, use with Plenty Of Fish may cause immediate alcohol poisoning. I am not responsible for poor decisions made as a result of playing. If there's anything you feel like we've left out, comments are open & I'm ready to edit.

The rules: Go to an online dating site. Start looking at profiles. Try not to retch. Begin drinking as instructed below.

Take a drink:
First correspondence is a single word.
Email asks question that is already obviously answered in your profile.
Email obviously ignores things you mentioned in your profile.
Message is from a user gratuitously outside your age/location preferences.
Email uses the phrase "like your pic," "you're hot," or similar.
- If that's all the email says, 2 drinks.
If it is blatantly fetishizing your appearance, 2 drinks.
- If the email is intended for an adult audience, 3 drinks

Take 2 drinks:
User claims to speak non-native languages, then doesn't understand simple greetings in them.
Use of the phrase (in email or in profile) "now you know everything you need, hit me up.”
User emails you more than twice, despite a voiced disinterest OR complete lack of response on your part.
- Every email received (unprompted) after the 2nd, take a drink
User responds to rejection with threats/insults, chug, block, report.

Language Comprehension:
Take a drink if the profile features:
Intentional spelling errors (Ex: Ur, whut, wut, gurl, etc.)
Earnest use of chatspeak (Ex: LOL, ROFL, n00b, t3h, etc)
User's misuse of grammar is so consistent as to be intentional. (Ex: An entire profile without apostrophes.)
Profile showcases overall willful ignorance re: grammar, sentence structure.
- if user claims to be in school, drink twice.

Profile Pictures:
Take a drink:
Group picture that doesn't specify which one is the user.
User is pictured with their car/motorcycle.
Picture of a place user has been with no people in it.
Picture of user’s animals instead of user.
Picture of user drinking and looking "cool” or “partying.”
Picture is a "MySpace" shot or includes "kissyface"/"duckface."

Take 2 drinks:
Picture includes a datestamp
- If datestamp is 5 years ago or more, take a shot.
Picture of user in Halloween costume
- If costume is sexy/racist, take a shot.
- If costume is sexy AND racist, chug, post to reddit.

Take 1 shot:
Picture fails to include entire face.
Picture taken in a mirror.
User refuses to post a picture because they don't want anyone they know to know that they're online dating or any other clearly cop-out/restraining order-esque reason.
Cheesecake picture of user in their military uniform, surrounded by guns.
Decapitated picture of abs.
- If an arm is holding the shirt up instead of just being shirtless, 2 shots.
- If the user is clearly on steroids, and/or an unnatural shade of orange, 2 shots, swear to wear sunscreen every day for the rest of your life.

For any of the above while wearing a fedora, double the drinking.

Profile Information:
Take a drink:
Profile describes user as "just a normal guy/girl.”
Profile describes user as "laid-back."
Use of the phrase "I like all kinds of music, except for rap/country/classical” or similar.
Profile uses quotes a well known comedy routine/movie/book etc instead of actually writing about themselves/for themselves.
- If the quote is unattributed, drink twice.
Profile states "I'm new to this, lol, I don't know what to say" or similar.
- Types gibberish to get site to accept profile/meet length requirements, drink twice
- “About me” section is 5 sentences or less, drink twice, cry.
Lists something as a "guilty pleasure, LOL!!!!!”
Uses more than 2 exclamation points in succession.
Loves to read, but doesn't really have time to.
Use of the phrase "I am awesome.”
User confuses "talents" with "basic human functions." (Ex: I am really good at: sleeping, laughing, eating.)

User has confused "Dom" with "just an asshole." 
Profile includes sexual innuendo.

- Actually, it's not innuendo at all. - 2 drinks.
- Also, it's their profile name. Chug.

Take 2 drinks:
Description of self includes "I like to hang out (with friends) and/or watch movies and/or have a good time.”
They’re 30-something and their only career goals/aspirations involve "massage therapist."
- There is a standing offer to let them practice their technique on you.  Take a shot.
Doesn't like to read/doesn't really like books.
Claims to have no baggage.
Just looking for a woman to spoil/treat like a queen (conversely, just looking for a guy who will treat them right.)
Longform rant about how people of their preferred gender identity are all liars/cheaters
Tries to use their involvement in reality television (or people they know who are in reality television) as selling points.

Take a shot:
If religious beliefs mentioned in profile are directly contradictory to activities mentioned/shown in profile.
Profile mentions that they have kids, but states that "they never see them/other parent is out of the picture" as a selling point/pro.
- If under 24, 1 drink for every kid they have.

Profile states that user has a really great sense of humor/is really funny, but fails to express any grasp whatsoever of such a concept. (Alternative: User claims to be sarcastic, warns away other users who are "easily offended.")

Take a drink:
Looking for someone "who has a lot in common with me.”
Profile only states what they're looking for and nothing about themselves.
User is over 30, "looking for" is 18-21.

Take 2 drinks:
They love to party, but are looking for a "good (religion) girl/guy.”
Has "play/anything I can get" checked while citing a lengthy list of wholesome criteria a potential mate needs to meet.
User is VERY SPECIFICALLY not looking for “cheaters/whores/drama bombs!”
User is "deeply religious" but are looking for mates of any religion.User has different criteria for their own personal health/appearance versus their mate's. (Ex: I hate exercise, you must be thin.)

Take 1 shot:
User is "in a relationship" looking for "single" mates (only applicable if it's not primarily that kind of website.)
Explicitly mentions furries.  (Pro or con, doesn't matter.) (Also, see above.)

You've exchanged a few messages, you think they're witty and charming and attractive, you'd like to take this offline... then they delete their profile without saying a word.
Drink the whole damn bottle. GOTO Correspondence.


  1. Oh dear! I think I'd be black out drunk playing this game! I like it! haha! Great blog :-)

    1. I'm pretty sure blackout drunk is the only way to go through internet dating anyway.

      Thanks for the kind words!

  2. Wow this sounds like fun! I always think it's funny when someone has "I don't like to read" or just list one book like the Bible under their favorite books. A lot of winners out there!

    1. Sometimes you get both. "I love to read! My fav book is the bible!"

      And then I wonder how I can be using the same wordset that they are, and constructing such a radically different meaning.

  3. Make an account, get no messages/returned messages, drink the bottle.

    1. I'll edit your profile for you, Bpac. I can think of no other reason the ladies haven't grokked that you're awesomesauce.

  4. For women looking for women, take a drink each time a profile mentions one of the following interests:

    Hit all six? Finish the bottle and drunkenly sign up for a cooking class at a yoga studio. Or stab yourself with your knitting needles.

    1. Welcome to every Boulder profile ever. Except the preamble is that they only like to do the gluten-free, fair trade, sustainable versions of these things.

  5. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  6. What in the world?! Bahaha! That is one very thoughtful and hilarious game/post. I'm impressed, but I don't think anyone would last ten minutes in that game!