Online Dating: The Drinking Game

A few years ago, in the midst of a dateless streak that had lapped sad and looped itself around to sadly funny, my best friend and I had a conversation comparing our experiences with online dating. This is the result of that conversation. You built this, humanity. You built this.

Disclaimer: Works best with OkCupid, use with Plenty Of Fish may cause immediate alcohol poisoning. I am not responsible for poor decisions made as a result of playing. If there's anything you feel like we've left out, comments are open & I'm ready to edit.

The rules: Go to an online dating site. Start looking at profiles. Try not to retch. Begin drinking as instructed below.

Correspondence:
Take a drink:
First correspondence is a single word.

Email asks question that is already obviously answered in your profile.

Email obviously ignores things you mentioned in your profile.
Message is from a user gratuitously outside your age/location preferences.

Email uses the phrase "like your pic," "you're hot," or similar.

- If that's all the email says, 2 drinks.
- If it is blatantly fetishizing your appearance, 2 drinks.
- If the email is intended for an adult audience, 3 drinks

Take 2 drinks:

User claims to speak non-native languages, then doesn't understand simple greetings in them.

Use of the phrase (in email or in profile) "now you know everything you need, hit me up.”

User emails you more than twice, despite a voiced disinterest OR complete lack of response on your part.
- Every email received (unprompted) after the 2nd, take a drink
User responds to rejection with threats/insults, chug, block, report.

Language Comprehension:
Take a drink if the profile features:

Intentional spelling errors (Ex: Ur, whut, wut, gurl, etc.)
Earnest use of chatspeak (Ex: LOL, ROFL, n00b, t3h, etc)
User's misuse of grammar is so consistent as to be intentional. (Ex: An entire profile without apostrophes.)

Profile showcases overall willful ignorance re: grammar, sentence structure.

- if user claims to be in school, drink twice.

Profile Pictures:

Take a drink:

Group picture that doesn't specify which one is the user.

User is pictured with their car/motorcycle.

Picture of a place user has been with no people in it.

Picture of user’s animals instead of user.

Picture of user drinking and looking "cool” or “partying.”

Picture is a "MySpace" shot or includes "kissyface"/"duckface."

Take 2 drinks:

Picture includes a datestamp

- If datestamp is 5 years ago or more, take a shot.

Picture of user in Halloween costume

- If costume is sexy/racist, take a shot.
- If costume is sexy AND racist, chug, post to reddit.

Take 1 shot:

Picture fails to include entire face.

Picture taken in a mirror.

User refuses to post a picture because they don't want anyone they know to know that they're online dating or any other clearly cop-out/restraining order-esque reason.

Cheesecake picture of user in their military uniform, surrounded by guns.

Decapitated picture of abs.

- If an arm is holding the shirt up instead of just being shirtless, 2 shots.

- If the user is clearly on steroids, and/or an unnatural shade of orange, 2 shots, swear to wear sunscreen every day for the rest of your life.

BONUS ROUND:
For any of the above while wearing a fedora, double the drinking.

Profile Information:

Take a drink:

Profile describes user as "just a normal guy/girl.”
Profile describes user as "laid-back."

Use of the phrase "I like all kinds of music, except for rap/country/classical” or similar.

Profile uses quotes a well known comedy routine/movie/book etc instead of actually writing about themselves/for themselves.

- If the quote is unattributed, drink twice.

Profile states "I'm new to this, lol, I don't know what to say" or similar.

- Types gibberish to get site to accept profile/meet length requirements, drink twice

- “About me” section is 5 sentences or less, drink twice, cry.

Lists something as a "guilty pleasure, LOL!!!!!”

Uses more than 2 exclamation points in succession.

Loves to read, but doesn't really have time to.

Use of the phrase "I am awesome.”
User confuses "talents" with "basic human functions." (Ex: I am really good at: sleeping, laughing, eating.)
User has confused "Dom" with "just an asshole." 
Profile includes sexual innuendo.
- Actually, it's not innuendo at all. - 2 drinks.
- Also, it's their profile name. Chug.

Take 2 drinks:

Description of self includes "I like to hang out (with friends) and/or watch movies and/or have a good time.”

They’re 30-something and their only career goals/aspirations involve "massage therapist."

- There is a standing offer to let them practice their technique on you.  Take a shot.

Doesn't like to read/doesn't really like books.

Claims to have no baggage.

Just looking for a woman to spoil/treat like a queen (conversely, just looking for a guy who will treat them right.)
Longform rant about how people of their preferred gender identity are all liars/cheaters

Tries to use their involvement in reality television (or people they know who are in reality television) as selling points.

Take a shot:
If religious beliefs mentioned in profile are directly contradictory to activities mentioned/shown in profile.

Profile mentions that they have kids, but states that "they never see them/other parent is out of the picture" as a selling point/pro.

- If under 24, 1 drink for every kid they have.

Chug:

Profile states that user has a really great sense of humor/is really funny, but fails to express any grasp whatsoever of such a concept. (Alternative: User claims to be sarcastic, warns away other users who are "easily offended.")

Criteria:

Take a drink:

Looking for someone "who has a lot in common with me.”

Profile only states what they're looking for and nothing about themselves.

User is over 30, "looking for" is 18-21.

Take 2 drinks:

They love to party, but are looking for a "good (religion) girl/guy.”

Has "play/anything I can get" checked while citing a lengthy list of wholesome criteria a potential mate needs to meet.

User is VERY SPECIFICALLY not looking for “cheaters/whores/drama bombs!”

User is "deeply religious" but are looking for mates of any religion.User has different criteria for their own personal health/appearance versus their mate's. (Ex: I hate exercise, you must be thin.)

Take 1 shot:

User is "in a relationship" looking for "single" mates (only applicable if it's not primarily that kind of website.)

Explicitly mentions furries.  (Pro or con, doesn't matter.) (Also, see above.)

Future:
You've exchanged a few messages, you think they're witty and charming and attractive, you'd like to take this offline... then they delete their profile without saying a word.
Drink the whole damn bottle. GOTO Correspondence.

Don't Call Me Surely.

Progress is weird. You creep along, little by little, and then, all of a sudden, you're doing the things that you thought you'd never be able to do.

I had a couple of those moments at practice tonite. DeRanged and Psychobabble, two of the best skaters in roller derby, came out to run a training session with us. As always, I was terrified. I mean, these ladies are legit roller derby superstars. I feel like I'm never going hard enough, or doing well enough, to impress them. And trust me, we ALL want to impress them.

We worked on a bunch of offensive hitting drills (things I am not good at: Offense. Hitting. Drills.) and, even with my laryngitis and allergies/head cold, I managed to surprise myself.

Tonite, I went to practice. (I am a giant baby when I'm sick. Usually the sniffles are more than enough to give me a reason not to go out. Let alone to go exercise.)

Tonite, I did 40 pushups. (Number of pushups I could do at a time when I started playing roller derby: 1. Maybe. Sort of. Not really.)

Tonite, I pushed the largest girl on my team out of bounds.

Tonite, I chased down the jammer as she busted out of the pack, and I caught her.

Tonite, I gave Psychobabble a hip bruise. (And then she gave me pointers on how to be more effective when I use my bony, bony hips, and I squealed a lot on the inside and HOLY SHIT I GAVE PSYCHO A BRUISE WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN.)

Little things, building on top of each other, manifesting into noticeable progress. Just keep doing one thing every day that scares me.

Photography Magic from The Impossible Project!

Fun Fact: The "I Got a New Camera" song sounds suspiciously similar to the "I've Got a Dollar" song.

Just in case you were wondering.

So, I could tell you a long drawn out story about how I won this delightful new camera you're about to hear me brag about, but the camera isn't really the important part. Neither is the film I got for it, which is a photography thing I've been lusting after for the last 4 years.

The important part, really, is that this film exists at all.

Some of us might remember, back in the long long ago, when analog roamed the earth, that there was a thing called print photography. But humans, being the impatient, insatiable beasts that they are, decided that printing your own photos, by hand, was too long and arduous a process. They wanted vacation snapshots nownownow.

And, lo, a company called Polaroid was called forth from out of the void, and gave unto us INSTANT FILM. Pictures that were developed AS YOU WATCHED. With all the chemical doohickeys locked in the image itself! It was the stuff of magic. Magic and endless snapshots of your dog, and your feet, and anything else you could imagine.

The colors in Polaroid instamatic film weren't as clear as the colors in regular ole film. The edges were never quite as sharp. But who cares. (I never did.) They were PRETTY and they were FAST and, if you were the creative sort, there were all sorts of neat modification-widgety things you could do to your film.

Then digital happened. And, let's face it, digital killed the analog star. Polaroid film couldn't compete with this new wave of cheap, instant photography. The company folded their film production division in 2008. SAD TIMES.

Enter: THE IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT.

Shortly after Polaroid broke all of our instant photograph-loving hearts, several intrepid ex-Polaroid employees came together to save the world. Or maybe just start making instant film again. With their 500 years (combined) of accumulated knowledge and experience with Polaroid film, cameras and production, production machinery purchased from Polaroid, and even the space of an old Polaroid production plant, our heroes swore Nay! We shall not let analog instant photography shrivel in the sun of new technology! We shall invent anew, and give rise to a new, better, instant analog film type! And we will save the 300,000,000 already existing Polaroid instant cameras from living sad lives on peoples shelves, and in closets, and in landfills!

Then, with a mighty roar, and some explosions, and a Tesla coil or three, they made it happen.

(Ok, I made most of that up. The details, anyway. The facts are still true.)

I followed the story of The Impossible Project from the second it was announced, waiting, anxiously, for them to give me new film to feed my Polaroid I-Zone.

(This is a Polaroid I-Zone, a last-ditch effort from Polaroid in 1999 to drum up interest in analog instant photography. Targeted at the Teen/Tweenager market, it took postage stamp sized pictures with an astounding lack of clarity or depth. It sucked. I loved it. There is no way in hell The Impossible Project, or anyone else in their right mind, will ever make film for it ever again.)

In 2010, TIP began production of its new films, PX 100 and PX 600, made for use in Polaroid's most common instamatics, SX-70s and 600s. (And some others, like the Spectra. You have an internet, you can Google these things.) Like many specialty products, it was priced just beyond my price point for fun things. So I gazed longingly at the website, and dreamed of a day when I would have the disposable income to play with my Polaroid cameras again.

Fast forward to the other week, when I mindlessly (but excitedly) entered a contest on Jeff Hamada's most excellent blog, BOOOOOOOOM, to win a camera and two shiny new packs of Impossible Project film. IMPOSSIBLE PROJECT FILM, I thought. HOT DAMN YES PLEASE.

Sometimes I forget that Boom (sorry, Jeff, I can't keep counting those O's) is a super popular blog with a brajillion readers - so I was a little surprised when my inbox was suddenly flooded with the thousands of responses the contest generated. Since I was a tiny speck in an infinite sea of awesome entries, I mostly forgot about it.

Til last week, when Jeff emailed me to tell me that I'd won.

Wait, what?

HOT DAMN.

So here we are now. I opened the door today to find this (and this is where I spare you the boring pictures of things like a standard size USPS shipping box sitting on my doorstep):

please enjoy this cameo appearance from everyone's favourite vibrant, healthy, long-lived cactus.

A new (to me) Polaroid Sun660, and two packs of Impossible Project film - 1 of their new PX-70 Color Shade PUSH, and 1 of the PX 600 Silver Shade.

While I am COMPLETELY aware of the irony in using myNikon CoolPix digital to take pictures of my NEW POLAROID CAMERA AND FILM, I just couldn't justify using such wonderful, anticipated new product on a shot of - well, itself.

I have grand plans for these 16 shots. Some Rock Paper Scissors Championship action, to be followed up by a road trip to Montana/Idaho with @woodardj, destination: IronMan.

In the meantime, I'm going to go back to grinning at my new film, figuring out how to make Instant Film Transparencies, and singing the I've Got A Camera song. (It's pretty terrible. Not as terrible as the I-zone. But I love it all the same.)