Online Dating: The Drinking Game

A few years ago, in the midst of a dateless streak that had lapped sad and looped itself around to sadly funny, my best friend and I had a conversation comparing our experiences with online dating. This is the result of that conversation. You built this, humanity. You built this.

Disclaimer: Works best with OkCupid, use with Plenty Of Fish may cause immediate alcohol poisoning. I am not responsible for poor decisions made as a result of playing. If there's anything you feel like we've left out, comments are open & I'm ready to edit.

The rules: Go to an online dating site. Start looking at profiles. Try not to retch. Begin drinking as instructed below.

Correspondence:
Take a drink:
First correspondence is a single word.

Email asks question that is already obviously answered in your profile.

Email obviously ignores things you mentioned in your profile.
Message is from a user gratuitously outside your age/location preferences.

Email uses the phrase "like your pic," "you're hot," or similar.

- If that's all the email says, 2 drinks.
- If it is blatantly fetishizing your appearance, 2 drinks.
- If the email is intended for an adult audience, 3 drinks

Take 2 drinks:

User claims to speak non-native languages, then doesn't understand simple greetings in them.

Use of the phrase (in email or in profile) "now you know everything you need, hit me up.”

User emails you more than twice, despite a voiced disinterest OR complete lack of response on your part.
- Every email received (unprompted) after the 2nd, take a drink
User responds to rejection with threats/insults, chug, block, report.

Language Comprehension:
Take a drink if the profile features:

Intentional spelling errors (Ex: Ur, whut, wut, gurl, etc.)
Earnest use of chatspeak (Ex: LOL, ROFL, n00b, t3h, etc)
User's misuse of grammar is so consistent as to be intentional. (Ex: An entire profile without apostrophes.)

Profile showcases overall willful ignorance re: grammar, sentence structure.

- if user claims to be in school, drink twice.

Profile Pictures:

Take a drink:

Group picture that doesn't specify which one is the user.

User is pictured with their car/motorcycle.

Picture of a place user has been with no people in it.

Picture of user’s animals instead of user.

Picture of user drinking and looking "cool” or “partying.”

Picture is a "MySpace" shot or includes "kissyface"/"duckface."

Take 2 drinks:

Picture includes a datestamp

- If datestamp is 5 years ago or more, take a shot.

Picture of user in Halloween costume

- If costume is sexy/racist, take a shot.
- If costume is sexy AND racist, chug, post to reddit.

Take 1 shot:

Picture fails to include entire face.

Picture taken in a mirror.

User refuses to post a picture because they don't want anyone they know to know that they're online dating or any other clearly cop-out/restraining order-esque reason.

Cheesecake picture of user in their military uniform, surrounded by guns.

Decapitated picture of abs.

- If an arm is holding the shirt up instead of just being shirtless, 2 shots.

- If the user is clearly on steroids, and/or an unnatural shade of orange, 2 shots, swear to wear sunscreen every day for the rest of your life.

BONUS ROUND:
For any of the above while wearing a fedora, double the drinking.

Profile Information:

Take a drink:

Profile describes user as "just a normal guy/girl.”
Profile describes user as "laid-back."

Use of the phrase "I like all kinds of music, except for rap/country/classical” or similar.

Profile uses quotes a well known comedy routine/movie/book etc instead of actually writing about themselves/for themselves.

- If the quote is unattributed, drink twice.

Profile states "I'm new to this, lol, I don't know what to say" or similar.

- Types gibberish to get site to accept profile/meet length requirements, drink twice

- “About me” section is 5 sentences or less, drink twice, cry.

Lists something as a "guilty pleasure, LOL!!!!!”

Uses more than 2 exclamation points in succession.

Loves to read, but doesn't really have time to.

Use of the phrase "I am awesome.”
User confuses "talents" with "basic human functions." (Ex: I am really good at: sleeping, laughing, eating.)
User has confused "Dom" with "just an asshole." 
Profile includes sexual innuendo.
- Actually, it's not innuendo at all. - 2 drinks.
- Also, it's their profile name. Chug.

Take 2 drinks:

Description of self includes "I like to hang out (with friends) and/or watch movies and/or have a good time.”

They’re 30-something and their only career goals/aspirations involve "massage therapist."

- There is a standing offer to let them practice their technique on you.  Take a shot.

Doesn't like to read/doesn't really like books.

Claims to have no baggage.

Just looking for a woman to spoil/treat like a queen (conversely, just looking for a guy who will treat them right.)
Longform rant about how people of their preferred gender identity are all liars/cheaters

Tries to use their involvement in reality television (or people they know who are in reality television) as selling points.

Take a shot:
If religious beliefs mentioned in profile are directly contradictory to activities mentioned/shown in profile.

Profile mentions that they have kids, but states that "they never see them/other parent is out of the picture" as a selling point/pro.

- If under 24, 1 drink for every kid they have.

Chug:

Profile states that user has a really great sense of humor/is really funny, but fails to express any grasp whatsoever of such a concept. (Alternative: User claims to be sarcastic, warns away other users who are "easily offended.")

Criteria:

Take a drink:

Looking for someone "who has a lot in common with me.”

Profile only states what they're looking for and nothing about themselves.

User is over 30, "looking for" is 18-21.

Take 2 drinks:

They love to party, but are looking for a "good (religion) girl/guy.”

Has "play/anything I can get" checked while citing a lengthy list of wholesome criteria a potential mate needs to meet.

User is VERY SPECIFICALLY not looking for “cheaters/whores/drama bombs!”

User is "deeply religious" but are looking for mates of any religion.User has different criteria for their own personal health/appearance versus their mate's. (Ex: I hate exercise, you must be thin.)

Take 1 shot:

User is "in a relationship" looking for "single" mates (only applicable if it's not primarily that kind of website.)

Explicitly mentions furries.  (Pro or con, doesn't matter.) (Also, see above.)

Future:
You've exchanged a few messages, you think they're witty and charming and attractive, you'd like to take this offline... then they delete their profile without saying a word.
Drink the whole damn bottle. GOTO Correspondence.

The Greatest Rape Joke Ever Told

No, really.

No, ok, look. I know there's been a lot of talk about rape, and rape jokes, and certain comic who (point of personal preference) has never actually been funny, this week. And all the rest of it. And then Jezebel, of all places, actually published a really great article that sums up the issues around rape, and jokes, and rape jokes, really well. If you haven't read it, go do that. I'll wait. (If you're lazy, the Cliff Notes: Yes, you can joke about rape, because most anything, in the right light, can be funny. It is extraordinarily difficult to joke about rape when you are making rape survivors the butt of the joke. Victim-blaming? In this situation, probably actually never funny. Moving on.)

Which brings us to: This past weekend, when my friend S accidentally spit out what might be the greatest rape joke I've ever heard.

WE BRIEFLY INTERRUPT HIS BLOG POST FOR SCIENCE TO HAPPEN:
Walking up the street to a bar that is hosting a rather hipster-centric dance night, S and Q and I notice a construction crew on the street we need to cross. They're resurfacing the crosswalk, laying down new crosswalk "paint" - actually strips of white asphalt-like substance that are more wear-resistant than paint. They do this by scrubbing/airblasting the old crosswalk off, then cleaning the space with a flammable cleanser, which they burn off with FLAMETHROWERS. These FLAMETHROWERS are single barreled, duel-nosed contraptions that send off an incredible burst of flame that flares out in a K-shape, with comically perfect flames, about 30 inches in whatever direction it's being pointed. Somehow, the flames always manage to extinguish just short of the operator's toes. This heats the street asphalt and gives the crosswalk asphalt something to adhere to. They lay the strips of crosswalk asphalt down, then go over them with the same flamethrower to melt the asphalts together. Another worker follows behind the flamethrower operator, spreading glass beads over the new surface. These give a tiny bit of traction to the crosswalk, as well as making it more reflective to drivers.

RESUME SITUATIONAL COMEDY:
While this is all happening, the flames are spewing from the dueling flamethrowers (two dudes wielding a flamthrower each), a handful of hipsters, S + I included, are staring, fascinated, by SCIENCE happening. The construction crew, in neon yellow construction vests, glances up once or twice (especially at S and I, as we're standing on the same side of the street that they're working on, not 4 feet from their workspace) and glares. Clearly, giggling twenty-somethings are not the usual sort of nuisance they run in to while on these projects.

As I'm slackjawed at SCIENCE, two of the older, more bearded members of the crew look up at me staring like I've never seen a flamethrower before - and in turn, look at me like I'm some sort of fantastic buffoon, S turns to me and states, very matter of factly: "Well, if they didn't want anyone staring at them, they shouldn't be dressed like that."

And then I lose it and die laughing. Because THAT, universe, is what a funny rape joke looks like. You're not trivializing the victim. Heck, S didn't even need to say "rape." But by taking a well known trope of rape prevention/avoidance (even though, as most women know, how you dress has very little to do with whether or not you will be raped), and flipping it around at at a bunch of fully clothed burly men WIELDING FLAMETHROWERS (who are, in fact, attracting attention by wearing neon yellow clothes. Also, FLAMETHROWERS), you reach that glorious intersection of the Benign Violation Theory where humor takes place.

No one is hurt. No one is threatened. And we all got to see some really cool flamethrowers.

Comedians of the world, take note.