Tuesday, April 16, 2013

You've Got a Troll Face, or, How NOT to Take Rejection on OKCupid

I wish I had better news to report from the internet-dating-o'sphere, but there's almost never anything to
write home about, unless it's comically bad.

Like this dude.

He sent me a message at 6am, calling me "deliciously evil" and something about wanting to "steal (me) to Texas and keep (me) forever." (Dude is a law enforcement officer, so that's double-cool.) I glanced at his profile, figured we wouldn't be a good match anyway, and simply deleted his message.

8 hours later, this happened:

This happens in internet dating ALL THE TIME. Dude sends gal message that isn't particularly cogent to begin with, then, almost immediately (whether or not they get a response), gets aggressive. When he's shot down or questioned, he gets even MORE aggressive.

Guys, this isn't going to work. I mean, ok, maybe it is, and you can keep dating submissive/passive aggressive ladies who are in to that sort of thing. But if you're putting out crazy, you're likely pulling in crazy, too. And then you don't really have a leg to stand on when you whine about how all the ladies you meet are kind've apeshit.

Plus, it's just plain disrespectful. If someone doesn't understand you, or where you're coming from, that's no reason to resort to namecalling and insults. It's not attractive when you're 12, it's even less attractive when you're 30-something.

And let's talk about creepy for a hot minute, ok? If you went up to someone in real life, having never met them before, and told them that you'd like to "steal them away and keep them forever," - how do you think that would come off? I mean, assuming you're not at the BDSM club or something. (Not that any/everyone into BDSM is in to those sorts of lines, either - the dynamic of "capturing" clearly requires boundaries that only exist AFTER an initial meeting.) Go up to someone on the street and say that, and let me know how that goes.

Like my friend Melzah pointed out, "people are not possessions!" And referring to them as such ("keeping," like I'm a sticker book or something) reduces individuals to objects. When you say "I want to keep you," you're not saying "I like you," "I think you're awesome," or even "I want to be with you forever." You're saying "You are my desire, I want to maintain mastery over you, and I don't really care what your say in the matter is." And, hey, if that's the boundaries you've set up with your SO, that's supercool. But if those boundaries AREN'T in place? Train to Creepsville.

Being wary of such an approach doesn't make someone paranoid, let alone "less," for being wary. It means that we exist in a reality that's real, where people say terrible things without provocation, and where we expect to have our boundaries crossed, with or without permission. And but there's no reason we should willingly LET those boundaries be crossed, not even in jest.

Calling someone out on such things speak only to your OWN perceptions of power and equality - or, really, the lack thereof.

Of course, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, here. Guys who respond like this generally aren't interested in being told that they're wrong, or that their behavior could stand to be amended (especially not in the interested of being nice to anyone, let alone respecting the people of their preferred gender identity.)

As for the rest of the interaction - I really liked the part where because I'm suddenly a troll face (his first message praised my looks), I'm supposed to have lower standards or be more understanding of people treating me like shit - it went about the way you'd think it would:

I blocked him after this, though not before he managed to get in one last jab, suggesting that the body shot I have up on the site - a beach shot, no less (and I'm not even going to humblebrag here - that shot has ZERO things to be ashamed of in it) - should be removed.

Guys, here's one last thing: if you're going to slam a girl on her figure, at least have the common sense, if not decency, to not do it do someone who's in better shape than you are.


  1. Hey Marissa,

    I got crazy emails on okc like this too. However, I just couldn't even continue to dialgoue with guys like this. I felt like the whole point of internet dating for me was to single out who could be cool and block people who seemed strange/dangerous/rude. I do think you write very well and are super intelligent and witty. However, this guy did not deserve so many responses from you. He's a gross idiot.
    Also, one time I told a guy I wasn't interested in dating him after our first date and he called me fat. I was like WHATTTT. OH NO YOU DIDNT. SARAH MILES ON YO ASS BOI. Then I kind of wanted to cry. My roommates were like dude, this is one of the many crazies that you won't escape dating period (not just online).
    I hope more people turn out kind and interesting. Also, I support you taking down the bathing suit pic. You never know what people do with those pics...
    All my internet dating love,


    1. Hey Sarah! I love that you're reading this now. =D

      I've been internet dating since before I joined Theta (let's not talk about how old this makes me feel...), so, yeah, Defcon Insult Alpha is definitely not new territory for me. (Which, I mean, in and of itself is upsetting - that this is a go-to reaction for dudes that women have just learned is a thing that happens? That's fucked.)

      And no, he totally didn't deserve a response. 98% of the time, I just let the first message slide into the delete bin, and that's usually that. And the other 2% of the time, I just like fighting. This time, I decided that calling me a Republican for not messaging him back was above the line of "upsetting but acceptable douche-ness," and deserved some sort of pushback. And then, y'know, devolved into name calling and fuck that, I'm not letting you call me names and get away with it, even if I'm 100% sure that I will never get through your thick skull and thank GOD you live 1500 miles away from me, otherwise I would run you over with a bus myself.

      Anyway. Yeah. I'm sorry that single-date-dude called you fat. (Because it's rude, and also because, the hell?) I was talking to my girls about it last weekend, about this whole awful thing where you can believe that you're wonderful and beautiful and amazing, and then some stranger calls you a name, and whammo; it goes right to the gut. What IS that? How do we STOP that?

    2. As for the bathing suit pic - if you haven't seen it, it's pretty tame. It doesn't show my face at all, and I'm wearing board shorts. All it really proves is that yeah, I really do weigh 111. And if some dude is fapping to a normally proportioned girl shaped thing that's well within the healthy BMI range, y'know, good for him.

    3. everyone's always looking to get hurt

  2. Recently a guy sent me a message that wasn't that interesting, but I clicked on his profile to check him out. After learning that he was 15 years older than me, barely literate, and had only one picture posted which was taken from far away, I deleted the message and moved on. FIVE MINUTES after he'd sent the first message, he sent me another message saying, (paraphrased): "Typical. You say you're into nerdy guys but when a real nerd comes along you want nothing to do with him." And then a little diatribe on how being geeky is a fad and other nonsense.

    Other guys, when I turn them down, send me 3 or 4 messages pleading- "trust me, I'm older, but I act young!" (is that supposed to sound good to me?) or "just give me a chance, I promise!".

    I wonder to myself- do they really want to date a woman they've coerced into dating them? Would that ever feel good to anyone?

    1. Sometimes I message these sorts of dudes (this one and yours one), knowing full well it's gonna be a train wreck, because I seriously want to know: What the jesus fuck is running through your brain? How do you think these interactions are going to turn out? What are you getting out of them? Do they WORK?

      That, and because there's a part of me that really thinks that in these cases, silence is consent. If I don't respond to this and call your shit out, you're probably just going to keep doing it. You're probably just going to keep doing it anyway, but at least I didn't let it slide and pretend like it didn't mean anything. Words mean things. People like these asshats don't get to exist in a void where they get to say these things and it's all some sort of big joke that us poor, fragile women just don't understand.

  3. Also, I'm sorry. He clearly just can't handle rejection, and just needed to make it your fault for being a (wince) troll, not his fault for being a dick. And an actual troll, as it turns out.

  4. Wow... what a jerk (putting it lightly). But, really, I don't even know why he's wasting his time messaging a 'troll face' like you when he's got like '50+' gals banging down his door over that creepy line.

    Who does this joker think he's fooling? :/ Srsly..

    1. I like the part where he flips it, and suddenly I'M overstepping HIS boundaries, and creeping HIM out. By what, exactly? Using my words to say "no, I don't like this, this isn't ok?" Does he think that name calling is going to get me to change my mind, to go sniveling to him with an apology for offending HIS delicate sensibilities?

      And, right, with 50+ ladies banging down his door for a hot piece of that, why's he messaging girls in other states that he doesn't think he's going to get along with, anyway?

  5. I like that you used "wont," which I imagine, if he noticed it at all, he assumed was a misspelled word. He was truly awful, but I enjoy that while being 100% rational and cogent, you drew out all kinds of bad arguments on his part, making him look steadily worse. You come out looking all the more amazing.

    1. Thanks, Kate. I tried to lose my shit without going to his level. Glad to know that I accomplished that.

      (Also wahhhhhhh stop being so far away wahhhhhhhhh.)

  6. Hi.. I know all about you, creepy, smart, sarcastic, all of it. guys get scared and they run away. and you're not gonna scare me away. ive been on your doorstep for 5 fucking years.. I want your friendship! will you let me into your heart? we were best friends a long time ago! I love you! (non-creepy)... eh. send me a message... we can resume normal communications like normal people instead of me sounding like a stalker... Keep in touch!! argh

    its been 15 years.. can w etalk?

    look your face may not represent cosmo magazine.

    but to me it represents marissa and i love you. I think of your face and I love you.

    i knew marissa at summercamp a long time ago.

    carney still wonderes what happened to you.. he's busy workin as an engineer for airplane engines. crazy right??

    send me a message sometime.. I value you. and i regret being a summercamp dufus and i understand your feelings.. you told me at summercamp that i was too busy for you but i was 15 and didnt get it. look youve always been a best friend to me and i value the times we shared.. when i think of sumemr camp i think of you and less of all the shallow people. the best tiems were you, me and carney, and tod, and walter, and chris!!!

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