Above the Game: It's Not Abuse.

First off: I'm not here to castigate Kickstarter. They not only admitted to and corrected a mistake, but they also did a Good Thing, in donating a significant amount of money to RAINN.

But guys, let's talk about Above the Game, a Kickstartered "seduction guide" aimed at teaching dudelings how to, well, seduce the womens.

Above the Game has recently been dragged into the internet spotlight for some of its included text which, when read on its own, sounds pretty abhorrent.

Things like (and I'll quote Casey's blog, here, because the original text on reddit has already been taken down:)

”5) Get CLOSE to her, damn it!

To quote Rob Judge, “Personal space is for pussies.” I already told you that the most successful seducers are those who can’t keep their hands off of women. Well you’re not gonna be able to do that if you aren’t in close! ”

“All the greatest seducers in history could not keep their hands off of women. They aggressively escalated physically with every woman they were flirting with. They began touching them immediately, kept great body language and eye contact, and were shameless in their physicality. Even when a girl rejects your advances, she KNOWS that you desire her. That’s hot. It arouses her physically and psychologically.”

“Decide that you’re going to sit in a position where you can rub her leg and back. Physically pick her up and sit her on your lap. Don’t ask for permission. Be dominant. Force her to rebuff your advances.”

“Sex

Pull out your cock and put her hand on it. Remember, she is letting you do this because you have established yourself as a LEADER. Don’t ask for permission, GRAB HER HAND, and put it right on your dick.”

And, yes, universe, this is vaguely weird and creepy. Even when it's in the context (which, in the chapter, it is) of the situation already being one of known mutual interest and attraction (this text is not directed at any ole dude meeting any ole lady for the first time, something which seems to have been lost in all the rabbling), there is something admittedly disconcerting about having these actions and these intentions spelled out so blatantly.

But that doesn't make the book a "How-To Guide for Sexual Abuse," as some petition that I can't find this split second has called it out to be.

Internets, it goes much deeper (and yet, much shallower) than that, and burying this book in a blanket statement of "It's abuse! Get it awayyyyyy!" is doing everyone a disservice.

Let me say it again: THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT ABUSE.
If this book were "about abuse," there would be entire chapters dedicated to things like "how to fuck with a woman's head so bad that she will never ever leave you," and "how to make friends with cops so that domestic disturbance calls will never get written up in the ledger." Things like "what to do when a woman doesn't respond to your catcall," and "you have the power: a primer to pushing a woman down the stairs and making her internalize it." There would be an entire appendix on "it's not rape if..."

This is not that book.

If you look at TofuTofu's summary of the book that he has been pushing on reddit, two things become very clear, very quickly:

1, The "no." The author makes it very clear at every step of this book that if the girl is not in to doing something, for the love of god, you clueless male, STOP IT. Forcing a woman is never, ever cool, and even if you're reading this seduction (fun fact: I keep typing "seduction" as "seducation") book, respecting boundaries is still a thing that needs to happen.

2, This book is for dudes who are bad at things. Things like, yes, seduction, but also things like taking initiative, believing in themselves, reading body language - in general, this is a book for the socially inept. (Who I love.)

So. Why does it tweak us all out so bad?

Because this book is saying something that no one really wants to talk about. It's basically a how-to guide for male privilege.

TofuTofu isn't giving out insidious information to dudes looking to take advantage of women. He's spelling out, very carefully and explicitly, how to operate with male privilege; to a group of males who don't recognize that they have it, let alone that they, as males, have the ability to buy in to it, or to use it.

And that? Yes, that is totally squicky. Because when you get down face-to-face to male privilege, it is weird and squicky.

This book is a primer on How To Be A Modern Alpha Male.

It teaches men who don't know any better (otherwise, why would they be reading the book?) how to be "a leader." How to be pushy. How to believe in themselves. And it teaches them to recognize what advantages they can take - advantages that they did even realize were options. What boundaries they can push - boundaries that they didn't know could be pushed on. It teaches them - no, it TELLS THEM ABOUT social norms - norms that they didn't realize existed, and certainly didn't realize that yes, they too, could be taking advantage of.

In short, this book is telling a bunch of clueless dudes how not to be clueless, by telling them exactly how every other clueless dude in society operates, when they're not even thinking about it.

This book is an up close and personal look at the normal social values that the everyday male accepts and undertakes as part of their day-to-day lives. That are like background noise. But in bringing that noise to the surface, TofuTofu makes it visible. And when all that is on the table, in the open, staring us in face? It's not very comfortable.

So. Again: THIS BOOK IS NOT ABOUT ABUSE.

Calling it that is doing a disservice not only to the work itself, but to women. To feminism. To the idea that we're not just trying to live in a world where people don't have to walk down the street wondering when their rape will come, but to get to a world where people don't think that rape is a valid option.

We're never going to get there by pointing fingers at things that we already know are wrong, and we're not going to get there by hiding things that make us uncomfortable under a blanket of "it feels icky so it must be wrong, the end."

Above the Game makes us uncomfortable not because it's teaching anyone anything new, but because it's teaching people the same old shit. If we don't like it, that's fine. But let's talk about why we don't like it, and why seeing these social norms spelled out on paper makes us want to shake our pitchforks and rabble all the internets.

Let's talk about why "seduction guides" exist at all, or why some men think that there's a "formula" to figuring out women. Let's talk about the male gaze. Let's talk about why these guides teach men to be dominant and controlling in dating situations, or why that's parsed as a universal good to the readers of these books.

Let's talk about every single thing in this book, in all of these types of books, that leave women shaking their heads and feeling misunderstood and preyed upon.

But that's not abuse, internet. That's literally the culture of the society that we live in. So let's talk about that.

You've Got a Troll Face, or, How NOT to Take Rejection on OKCupid

I wish I had better news to report from the internet-dating-o'sphere, but there's almost never anything to

write home about, unless it's comically bad.

Like this dude.

He sent me a message at 6am, calling me "deliciously evil" and something about wanting to "steal (me) to Texas and keep (me) forever." (Dude is a law enforcement officer, so that's double-cool.) I glanced at his profile, figured we wouldn't be a good match anyway, and simply deleted his message.

8 hours later, this happened:

This happens in internet dating ALL THE TIME. Dude sends gal message that isn't particularly cogent to begin with, then, almost immediately (whether or not they get a response), gets aggressive. When he's shot down or questioned, he gets even MORE aggressive.

Guys, this isn't going to work. I mean, ok, maybe it is, and you can keep dating submissive/passive aggressive ladies who are in to that sort of thing. But if you're putting out crazy, you're likely pulling in crazy, too. And then you don't really have a leg to stand on when you whine about how all the ladies you meet are kind've apeshit.

Plus, it's just plain disrespectful. If someone doesn't understand you, or where you're coming from, that's no reason to resort to namecalling and insults. It's not attractive when you're 12, it's even less attractive when you're 30-something.

And let's talk about creepy for a hot minute, ok? If you went up to someone in real life, having never met them before, and told them that you'd like to "steal them away and keep them forever," - how do you think that would come off? I mean, assuming you're not at the BDSM club or something. (Not that any/everyone into BDSM is in to those sorts of lines, either - the dynamic of "capturing" clearly requires boundaries that only exist AFTER an initial meeting.) Go up to someone on the street and say that, and let me know how that goes.

Like my friend Melzah pointed out, "people are not possessions!" And referring to them as such ("keeping," like I'm a sticker book or something) reduces individuals to objects. When you say "I want to keep you," you're not saying "I like you," "I think you're awesome," or even "I want to be with you forever." You're saying "You are my desire, I want to maintain mastery over you, and I don't really care what your say in the matter is." And, hey, if that's the boundaries you've set up with your SO, that's supercool. But if those boundaries AREN'T in place? Train to Creepsville.

Being wary of such an approach doesn't make someone paranoid, let alone "less," for being wary. It means that we exist in a reality that's real, where people say terrible things without provocation, and where we expect to have our boundaries crossed, with or without permission. And but there's no reason we should willingly LET those boundaries be crossed, not even in jest.

Calling someone out on such things speak only to your OWN perceptions of power and equality - or, really, the lack thereof.

Of course, I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir, here. Guys who respond like this generally aren't interested in being told that they're wrong, or that their behavior could stand to be amended (especially not in the interested of being nice to anyone, let alone respecting the people of their preferred gender identity.)

As for the rest of the interaction - I really liked the part where because I'm suddenly a troll face (his first message praised my looks), I'm supposed to have lower standards or be more understanding of people treating me like shit - it went about the way you'd think it would:

I blocked him after this, though not before he managed to get in one last jab, suggesting that the body shot I have up on the site - a beach shot, no less (and I'm not even going to humblebrag here - that shot has ZERO things to be ashamed of in it) - should be removed.

Guys, here's one last thing: if you're going to slam a girl on her figure, at least have the common sense, if not decency, to not do it do someone who's in better shape than you are.

Online Dating & Hate Speech

I don't write a lot about my online dating experiences. Sure, I have the drinking game, but for the most part, I keep things pretty much on the DL. Tonite, however, I ran across something I'd never experienced before, in all my years (let's not count how many) of online dating: hate speech.

I neglected to take screenshots of this convo, which I now seriously regret. But it went pretty much exactly like this:

Dude: Too lazy to start a conversation with anything more than a Hey.
Me: Too lazy to end a conversation with anything more than a no thanks.
Dude: thanks, your Butt Ugly and I just wanted to copy/paste, if I had seen your jewish I would not have wasted a single letter!

So, yeah, that happened. I'm pretty stunned. Lots of people dislike me for lots of reasons, and I've been told off plenty of times, especially on the internet. This was the first time someone has gone directly for the Judaism jugular - and, yeah, it stings. Way more than I thought it would.

I don't know how much there is to delve in to here. I'm proud of being Jewish, and some yutz on the intertubes isn't going to rob me of that with one flippant email. And I understand that this dude is totally childish (butt ugly? That's the best you can do? Also, my picture on there is fucking GORGEOUS, even if you're not attracted to me. Also, my butt is aces.), but I wasn't aware that antisemitism was still casually running around, lurking in the hearts of bruised young men.

There's nothing I can do about this. (Though I blocked the user and reported him to the site for violating their TOS.) It's just unsettling, and, luckily, a little bit funny.

Birthday Freebies in Boulder, CO

I've been accumulating this list for a few years, but never published it. Not sure why.

Anyway, here's some free stuff you can get in Boulder on your birthday. Most of it requires some planning in advance. I won't be in Boulder for my birthday this year (I'll be here in Philly, at the dentist's. Really. Wooooooooo.) So hopefully this list will be of more use to you.

Aveda - Coupon for free birthday gift (usually a fullsize product) redeemable at Aveda salons. Sign up online.
BJ's Brewhouse - Free Pizookie dessert. Email signup.
Cork - Free entree. Join their Connoisseur Dining Club.
Dairy Queen - Join their Blizzard fan Club, receive a coupon for a free birthday Blizzard
Daphne's Greek Cafe - Free entree. Email signup.
Denny's - Free Grand Slam, just show up with your driver's license.
Firehouse Subs - show your ID, get a free sub.
Glacier Ice Cream - Free ice cream cone OR small gelato on your birthday. Join their Birthday Club online. (7 days in advance)
Noodles & Co - Sign up for their email newsletter to receive a coupon for a free birthday meal. (60 days prior)
Old Chicago's - Active members (have made use of membership in the past 6 months) of their World Beer Tour program receive a $15 birthday credit for food. Must sign up for WBT in person.
Red Robin - Join their e-club, get a free birthday burger.
The Sink - Free appetizer or cookie on your birthday. Sign up for their S Card program.
Spicy Pickle - Sign up for the email list, get a coupon for a free birthday sandwich. (You might have to buy a drink.)
Starbucks - Register any giftcard you have for them online, a free birthday drink should come up when you check your rewards.
Ted's Montana Grill - Free dessert. Email signup.
Tee and Cakes - Join their Birthday Club. $5 gift certificate in the mail. Must sign up prior to birthday month.
Walnut Brewery - Members of their Mug Club (must sign up in person at Walnut Brewery) get a "special birthday gift every year." (Walnut Brewery is part of Rock Bottom

Rumored:
The Bus Stop - Free lap dances.
Snooze - Free birthday pancakes


If you're willing to trek to Denver:
The Broker - Buy one entree, get one free. Plan it in advance w/ them, and bring a friend.
Denver Zoo: Free admission on your birthday. Register online in advance.
The Fresh Fish Company - Not free, but members of their birthday club receive a percentage discount equal to their age. Sign up online.
LaMar's - free donut & coffee when you show up in person & join their LaMar's for life program. Register your card online & they'll load a free birthday donut on it.

Around Colorado:
Atwater on Gore Creek, Vail, CO - free entree with reservation and ID. (This seems insane to me, but it's right there on the website.)

That's all I've dug up. If there's a local deal I've missed, let me know!

I can't draw. EvaDestructionTM can, thank god.

Victory & Associates: Tour Life: Beginnings Are Forever

October 5, 2012



Tour!

And so here I am, back on the road with Conan Neutron: Word Yeller.

Victory and Associates rolled into  Denver from SLC on Tuesday night, performing to a crowd of 10. Neutron's new ("new") band is Victory and Associates, a quartet of music nerds with an arena-ish feel, though not an arena sound. No power ballads here, just good ole smart people in a rock band melting your face off.

Denver was a lowkey affair, a Tuesday night at Lost Lake Lounge. Denver locals Hooper opened (crowd size: 14!)
 
So, tour is good, Denver was boring, post-show tacos were uneventful, V&A crashing at my place was uneventful.
 
We rolled out on time the next morning, grabbing bagels and coffee, then hit the road. Before we knew it, we were boned. No one had been paying attention to how we left Colorado - bleah bleah bleah to 80! 80 to Des Moines! And so, it was about 2 hours out on 70 before we realized that we were on the wrong highway system. We should've gotten on 76 straight out of town, but, well, too late now. Instead, we took the scenic route north though Hoxie, Kansas (population: Village of the Children of the Damned. No one about anywhere save for 10 kids along the main drag that stared as us incredulously as we lumbered by, cuising along at the town's generous 20mph speed limit.), into Nebraska, and straight on to Des Moines. The boys rushed in, set up, and banged out another furious 9 song set to a crowd of literally 10s.
 
Ugh. Another tour entry that sounds like crap before I've even written it. Last time I did this, out with Replicator, the journals turned into 5000 word epic tomes. Thorough, but heady and rambly. In trying to avoid that this time around, I've landed at....boring. Ugh.

It's different, this time out. Last time I was with Replicator, tour was a series of unending, unyielding stories, moments that needed to be captured and preserved in perpetuity. This time, it's more relaxed. Fewer momentous events, more prolonged interactions. I could recount them, but they'd be meaningless. They're quips and banter, stories that build upon themselves to form a mythology.
 
Time loses meaning on tour. Hours bleed into each other, lasting forever, passing fleetingly. It's hard to describe this, and I don't mean it in some winsome, every moment is precious sort of way. I've been out with V&A for 3 nights, and already the boys can't remember what life on the road looked like without me. Events that have happened, stories are told, they assume that I was just there for. They think back to last week, and it seems a lifetime ago. Brooklyn, the end of their line, is 5 days from now. It seems so far in the future that it's nearly incomprehensible. The fact that I'll have been replaced in the van by their other guitarist, Shane, is the furthest thing from anyone's mind.
 
How could there be any more than right now, than the road ahead of us and the upcoming show tonite? Do this thing. Then do the next thing. It sounds plodding, but it's the mindset necessary to get through it. 800 miles on the road. Set up. Rock out. Break down. Sleep. Coffee. 800 miles on the road. Repeat. Staying in the now isn't just function, it's survival. (And by now, I mean a James Brown parody introduction to their radio slot this afternoon. Internationally known as the sweatiest band in show business, dozen selling Latest Flame recording artists, Victory and Associates!)
 
The pace is necessary, exhilarating, exhausting. It's untenable, to be sure, but that doesn't matter, in the now. There's a certain freedom in it. Not thinking about home, about your "real life," you're able to accomplish and experience things that are beyond the ordinary. Every night, with new crowds, new strangers, new friends that you'll maybe never see again, is no holds barred. Every night gets all that you have to give. You only have one chance to impress Hoxie, Kansas, so you'd better make it good. In the night, with the noise and the crowd, there is, for 9 whole songs, only possibility, only yes.

Online Dating: The Drinking Game

A few years ago, in the midst of a dateless streak that had lapped sad and looped itself around to sadly funny, my best friend and I had a conversation comparing our experiences with online dating. This is the result of that conversation. You built this, humanity. You built this.

Disclaimer: Works best with OkCupid, use with Plenty Of Fish may cause immediate alcohol poisoning. I am not responsible for poor decisions made as a result of playing. If there's anything you feel like we've left out, comments are open & I'm ready to edit.

The rules: Go to an online dating site. Start looking at profiles. Try not to retch. Begin drinking as instructed below.

Correspondence:
Take a drink:
First correspondence is a single word.

Email asks question that is already obviously answered in your profile.

Email obviously ignores things you mentioned in your profile.
Message is from a user gratuitously outside your age/location preferences.

Email uses the phrase "like your pic," "you're hot," or similar.

- If that's all the email says, 2 drinks.
- If it is blatantly fetishizing your appearance, 2 drinks.
- If the email is intended for an adult audience, 3 drinks

Take 2 drinks:

User claims to speak non-native languages, then doesn't understand simple greetings in them.

Use of the phrase (in email or in profile) "now you know everything you need, hit me up.”

User emails you more than twice, despite a voiced disinterest OR complete lack of response on your part.
- Every email received (unprompted) after the 2nd, take a drink
User responds to rejection with threats/insults, chug, block, report.

Language Comprehension:
Take a drink if the profile features:

Intentional spelling errors (Ex: Ur, whut, wut, gurl, etc.)
Earnest use of chatspeak (Ex: LOL, ROFL, n00b, t3h, etc)
User's misuse of grammar is so consistent as to be intentional. (Ex: An entire profile without apostrophes.)

Profile showcases overall willful ignorance re: grammar, sentence structure.

- if user claims to be in school, drink twice.

Profile Pictures:

Take a drink:

Group picture that doesn't specify which one is the user.

User is pictured with their car/motorcycle.

Picture of a place user has been with no people in it.

Picture of user’s animals instead of user.

Picture of user drinking and looking "cool” or “partying.”

Picture is a "MySpace" shot or includes "kissyface"/"duckface."

Take 2 drinks:

Picture includes a datestamp

- If datestamp is 5 years ago or more, take a shot.

Picture of user in Halloween costume

- If costume is sexy/racist, take a shot.
- If costume is sexy AND racist, chug, post to reddit.

Take 1 shot:

Picture fails to include entire face.

Picture taken in a mirror.

User refuses to post a picture because they don't want anyone they know to know that they're online dating or any other clearly cop-out/restraining order-esque reason.

Cheesecake picture of user in their military uniform, surrounded by guns.

Decapitated picture of abs.

- If an arm is holding the shirt up instead of just being shirtless, 2 shots.

- If the user is clearly on steroids, and/or an unnatural shade of orange, 2 shots, swear to wear sunscreen every day for the rest of your life.

BONUS ROUND:
For any of the above while wearing a fedora, double the drinking.

Profile Information:

Take a drink:

Profile describes user as "just a normal guy/girl.”
Profile describes user as "laid-back."

Use of the phrase "I like all kinds of music, except for rap/country/classical” or similar.

Profile uses quotes a well known comedy routine/movie/book etc instead of actually writing about themselves/for themselves.

- If the quote is unattributed, drink twice.

Profile states "I'm new to this, lol, I don't know what to say" or similar.

- Types gibberish to get site to accept profile/meet length requirements, drink twice

- “About me” section is 5 sentences or less, drink twice, cry.

Lists something as a "guilty pleasure, LOL!!!!!”

Uses more than 2 exclamation points in succession.

Loves to read, but doesn't really have time to.

Use of the phrase "I am awesome.”
User confuses "talents" with "basic human functions." (Ex: I am really good at: sleeping, laughing, eating.)
User has confused "Dom" with "just an asshole." 
Profile includes sexual innuendo.
- Actually, it's not innuendo at all. - 2 drinks.
- Also, it's their profile name. Chug.

Take 2 drinks:

Description of self includes "I like to hang out (with friends) and/or watch movies and/or have a good time.”

They’re 30-something and their only career goals/aspirations involve "massage therapist."

- There is a standing offer to let them practice their technique on you.  Take a shot.

Doesn't like to read/doesn't really like books.

Claims to have no baggage.

Just looking for a woman to spoil/treat like a queen (conversely, just looking for a guy who will treat them right.)
Longform rant about how people of their preferred gender identity are all liars/cheaters

Tries to use their involvement in reality television (or people they know who are in reality television) as selling points.

Take a shot:
If religious beliefs mentioned in profile are directly contradictory to activities mentioned/shown in profile.

Profile mentions that they have kids, but states that "they never see them/other parent is out of the picture" as a selling point/pro.

- If under 24, 1 drink for every kid they have.

Chug:

Profile states that user has a really great sense of humor/is really funny, but fails to express any grasp whatsoever of such a concept. (Alternative: User claims to be sarcastic, warns away other users who are "easily offended.")

Criteria:

Take a drink:

Looking for someone "who has a lot in common with me.”

Profile only states what they're looking for and nothing about themselves.

User is over 30, "looking for" is 18-21.

Take 2 drinks:

They love to party, but are looking for a "good (religion) girl/guy.”

Has "play/anything I can get" checked while citing a lengthy list of wholesome criteria a potential mate needs to meet.

User is VERY SPECIFICALLY not looking for “cheaters/whores/drama bombs!”

User is "deeply religious" but are looking for mates of any religion.User has different criteria for their own personal health/appearance versus their mate's. (Ex: I hate exercise, you must be thin.)

Take 1 shot:

User is "in a relationship" looking for "single" mates (only applicable if it's not primarily that kind of website.)

Explicitly mentions furries.  (Pro or con, doesn't matter.) (Also, see above.)

Future:
You've exchanged a few messages, you think they're witty and charming and attractive, you'd like to take this offline... then they delete their profile without saying a word.
Drink the whole damn bottle. GOTO Correspondence.

World Suicide Prevention Day: How To Care for Your Stiricide

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day (Suicide Awareness Day, if you're the internet), and as all my social media feeds flood with helpful-but-frustratingly-generic tips for how you can help someone who is depressed, I can't help but think: who is this actually helping? And how is this helping them?

Because the thing is, unless you're up close and personal with someone, it can be pretty hard to tell the difference between "kinda sad" and "sitting in a bathtub wondering what else you can use that razor blade for." It can be hard to know when you need to reach out - and even harder to know what form that reaching should take.

For me, if I'm functioning through my depression, no one else will notice it. Because for as much as I hurt, I don't want to be a burden on anyone else in my life.

The LAST thing I ever want when I'm at the bottom of my own personal pit, is for anyone to tell me "It'll be ok." "You're strong, you'll get through this." Or my favourite, eternally, from my mother, "Did you take your meds today?" I have been through this before. I don't need you to offer me platitudes or patronize me. I don't need suggestions based in cool rationality, or reassurances that are foreign to the point of impossible. (I live with depression. It will never be "ok." It will, sometimes, be somewhere between slightly and significantly less shitty. But it will never be "ok.")

When I'm sinking to the bottom, the last thing I want is platitudes, or unattainable hope, or obvious yet impossible advice. All I want is a single thing to momentarily distract me from the bottomless abyss that I'm still trying to find the end of. Not a life changing epiphany or a new raison d'être. Not a phone number to call that will require an enormous amount of emotional energy that I do not currently possess. All I want is a fucking lifeline*. A tiny thing that I can momentarily glom on to - that will, with any luck, lead to another tiny thing, and then another tiny thing. (Eventually, all these very tiny things will gradually lead me out of the waters.) 

Do you want to actually help your maybe possibly too depressed to function friend? Take a deep, scary look at who your friend is and how they function on the regular. Prepare yourself for possible and likely inevitable rejection. Don't get offended when that happens. Try not to offer them help in a form that they wouldn't appreciate when they're at "normal" - they'll appreciate it even less when they're in the hole.

But if you want specifics, I'm not sure if I can give them to you. Every person is different, and everyone has their own lifelines. If that friend is me, though, here's a short list of what you can do:

- Send me pictures of otters.

Ohhai there.

In fact, you should do this whether or not you think I'm in the hole. Spontaneous otters are code for "I'm thinking about you. I like you. I hope you're well."

But seriously, "Otter Day" is my public access code for "things are no good, ship has been abandoned." It is both a cue to send me a lifeline (pictures of otters are just one), as well as a heads up that things are, well, not ok. Saying "I am not ok, I need help" - literally, in those words (which seem to be the only words that people think have any validity when talking about these things) - never stops being terrifying and next to impossible. So I have code words.

Otter Day.

That's what that means.

- Invite me out to take a walk.

Somewhere safe, nearby, and normal. Somewhere inside my comfort zone.

Not a hike, not to go dancing, not to have coffee. I can't handle extended human interaction, I'm ashamed to show my face in public. I can't handle a challenge. But I can put on some pants and walk around the block with someone I trust. Though the pants part may take some cajoling.

- Show up, uninvited, bearing food that I will eat.

I may be able to shove a Wheat Thin in my mouth,
but I will not be able to make myself an actual meal.

When I'm in my hole, I lose my appetite. I'm too tired too cook, then I'm too sad to cook, then I'm too disappointed in myself to even try. If you haven't seen me in a few days and suspect that I may be sinking, feed me. Probably protein.

But what if you have a friend that isn't me? The only thing I can tell you is, be their friend. Don't assume that the things that work for you to get out a minor funk (or for me to get out of a major one) will necessarily work for them.

Don't treat them like they're an idiot, or like you know how to fix this better than they do. (I can't tell you how many times I've had people suggest that I exercise/take a bath/watch a fun movie/get laid. Just because something is the right answer for you doesn't make it a universal truth. Also, if it's that obvious, your depressed friend has probably already thought of it. 'Cause they're smart, right? Isn't that why you're friends?) Think about who they are, and how they are, and do what you can do to be good to them, in a way that they would appreciate.

Keep trying. Be the best lifeline you can be.

*Of course, if this is the first time, or if it just feels like the first time, they've been down this road, be supportive. Let them know that there are options for them. And help them find out what those options are. Odds are, they don't know what their health plan will cover, or who to call to find out, or even how to set up an appointment with a therapist. If depression comes with a side of anxiety and phone-phobia the way it does for me, they may not even be able to make those calls. If you want to come to the table with advice or options, makes sure you know as much as possible, and have taken as much of the legwork out of things as you can. YMMV, of course, but information and preparedness is always my favourite.